It Was Meant To Be You
by blue.moon.smiles
Summary: She has always been running from his love, and he has always been chasing her. It has been this endless game of tag ever since they were little. What happens when the game stops? S/N central. Also B/D, and a bit of B/N, and D/S. COMPLETE!
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Gossip Girl, although I sincerely wish that I did.

Please read and review...this is my first fanfic ever!

It Was Meant To Be You

Serena breathed out for what seemed like the first time in weeks. Blair was finally on vacation, and it seemed like she'd actually have some time to herself for once. This sounded selfish, she knew, but she had been dealing with so many of Blair's problems for the past few weeks that she hadn't even had a second to think about her own life. With Blair in Antigua and Dan in Hudson visiting his mother, she would have all the time she needed to think about everything. Chuck was in Monaco, so she didn't even have to worry about him. Rumor had it that he wasn't coming back anytime soon. So much the better, she thought grimly. This was all pretty much his fault, if you thought about it. He had somehow seduced Blair, and then tipped off Gossip Girl, ruined her relationship with Nate, her friends, her reputation, and then, in one last vicious cut-down he had crushed her last shred of dignity. No, she didn't miss him at all.

She was sitting in the Palace Bar, snacking on little green olives from a bowl, as people sipping vodka and gin watched her with bemused smirks on their faces. She realized how ridiculous this was. She was Serena van der Woodsen, and here she was, at the bar on a Friday night, eating olives instead of having a drink. She really was getting tired of this whole good girl thing, and one drink wasn't going to hurt. "One martini please," she called to a passing server.

When her drink came, she sipped at it slowly. It was like liquid fire in her mouth and _hell_ it was good. She'd missed these nightly drinking sessions more than she ever would have imagined. She downed the martini with one gulp and called for another. She winced as she thought about what Dan would say if he knew what she was doing right now. Somehow, she really didn't care. She downed a second, and before she knew it, she was on her fifth, sixth…everything was blurry, but the thoughts in her mind were crystal clear.

She thought about the moment when Dan had told her that he was in love with her, how her throat had closed up and she had choked on her words. Why hadn't it been easy to tell him that she loved him too? While Erik's idea that she mistrusted him because of her mother's false love for her previous husbands was plausible, something about it didn't seem quite right. Why had she not felt right when she said the actual words, even after he had explained the reasoning behind his love? She had rushed out of there as quickly as she could, feeling sick to her stomach. What was wrong with her anyway? The air suddenly seemed to be sucked out of the room, and all she could feel was dizzy heat overwhelming her. She needed air. She jolted up, but as she tried to take a step she tripped over her shoe. She giggled. "I'm drunk," she warbled, to no one in particular.

She felt a heavy hand on her shoulder. "Steady there. Need a hand?"

Looking up, she found her eyes lost in Nate's intense green gaze. Where had he come from? She tried to scowl at him, vaguely recalling that he had done something to Blair. "Not from you," she slurred, and her knees buckled. Everything suddenly spun in front of her and she felt herself slipping into total darkness. The last thing she felt before she completely lost consciousness was Nate's strong arms wrapping around her, not letting her fall.

Serena blinked, and hazy light filtered through her eyelids. Her head pounded and she quickly squeezed them shut again. Slowly, her eyes fluttered open, and she looked around herself, dazed. Where was she? She could remember countless times like this, when she had woken up in a strange place, her head throbbing and her mind jumbled, but it had been so long since she had experienced this. It was odd, almost as though she was reliving the past. She shook her head, trying to remember the previous night. What had happened? She heard a deep voice resonating from another room in the house. Suddenly, she bolted up, ignoring the sharp pain in her head. That wasn't Dan! Had she cheated on Dan with some random guy from some random bar?

Slowly, she got out of bed, afraid that whoever he was would be lusting for more of…whatever had happened last night. She looked down at herself and was relieved to discover that she was still wearing her Marc Jacobs shirt and Seven Jeans, although everything had been slightly loosened. She had expected to be wearing only her thong, if anything at all. Still, this was strange. Why had she woken up in an unfamiliar bed in an unrecognizable apartment _wearing her clothes_? Hesitantly, she called out, "Hello?"

"Morning, Serena! Or more like good afternoon. It's almost lunchtime," a voice called back. Serena froze.

"Nate?"

"Yeah?" Oh God, she thought, panicking. What was she doing in Nate's apartment?

"What am I doing here?" she asked, trying to keep her voice calm. Surely she would remember something, or _feel_ something if…she shuddered. No. Nothing had happened.

"Don't you remember? Well, actually I'm not surprised that you don't. You passed out at the Palace Bar…the waitress said you downed seven and half martinis in less than a half hour. I showed up around midnight, and I came over for a chat. I ended up carrying you into a taxi, and I would have taken you home but then I remembered that you were living in the Palace. So here you are." Nate stepped into the room. He was fully clothed, and Serena couldn't help but think that he was _gorgeous_. She almost slapped herself. What was she doing, thinking things like that about _Nate_?

Still, something tugged at Serena's mind. "Nate, nothing _happened_ did it? I mean, I didn't…you didn't…we didn't?" she mumbled, trying to find the right words to express the embarrassing worry that was plaguing her brain.

He gazed at her with an unsettling intensity in his eyes. "Serena. Do you really think I would take advantage of you when you were passed out, drunk? This happened all the time in the old days, and I never laid a finger on you. What kind of cad do you take me for?"

Serena was startled by the passion in his voice. "Sorry, Nate. I didn't mean to say that. It's just that after everything that's happened, I've been a little…I mean I've barely had a conversation with you since the Shepard Wedding and after what happened when we tried to talk, things got- I just wasn't sure."

Why did his eyes burn like that when he looked at her? "Serena, I just want to talk to you, to start over and make everything right between us. What did I do or not do to make things the way they are?"

She drew back, almost frightened by the directness of his words. "I really should go. It's almost twelve." She couldn't do this right now. Her head was already splitting, and she didn't think she had the strength for this.

She turned to leave, but Nate grabbed her hand. "Serena. You run away from me every time I try to make things right. Hear me out just this once. Why are things the way they are?"

Her navy eyes grew wide and soft as she realized that she couldn't run away from him, even if she wanted to. "I-I don't know, Nate. I think maybe our lives just came between us. I mean, I have Dan and he'd probably be pretty upset if he knew we were even talking, considering our history and everything. And you hurt Blair badly. She's not doing well at all, and I don't think the idea of our friendship would make her any happier. And after everything, don't you think friendship would be a little hard?"

"Do you think we could try?" Nate asked, pleadingly. "We were like best friends, me and you and Blair." His face darkened a bit when he pronounced Blair's name, as though she caused him to lose focus. He paused for a second and then continued. "This awkwardness between us, I can't stand it. Please, will you try for me?"

Serena's face softened, touched by his words. "Nate, I want things to be the way they used to be and I want us to be what we were. But Blair is still in love with you and she would never forgive me if she knew we were talking, and I think it will be a while before she's willing to forgive you for breaking up with her. Just know that I care about you- as a friend- and that when you need me, I'll be there for you, okay?"

He nodded. "Thanks."

Serena was suddenly aware of the fact that he was still holding onto her hand, and she snatched it away suddenly. They were both silent for a minute, lost in their private thoughts. Serena felt her head aching again. "Well, I guess I'd better go. You know, I have stuff to do and so…"

"Yeah, sure. See you around, Serena."

She waved at him, and slowly walked out of his spacious penthouse, relieved and a bit bewildered. She also had the uncomfortable sensation that his smoldering eyes were burning holes into her back. He was definitely watching her.

Good Morning, UES,

Or should I say afternoon? **S** thinks it's still morning. She was spotted stumbling out of **N**'s apartment just a few minutes ago, wearing the same clothes she wore yesterday. Hmm…an **N** and **S** sleepover? Wonder what **D** thinks of this one. Looks like he's Lonely Boy once again. More importantly, what does everyone's favorite (or least favorite) ex-It girl think of **S**'s not-so-graceful exit from her former bf's apartment. Sure, **B**'s** S**'s bff, but something tells me she won't exactly be thrilled to learn that **S** spent the night in her ex-bf's apartment. And of course, the question on everyone's lips: Is our bad-girl back for good? Only time will tell. And me? I'm happy just to watch.

X.O.X.O.,

Gossip Girl

Jenny flipped open her laptop and headed to the Gossip Girl homepage. It took ages to load, since the Internet in Hudson was about as sluggish as could be. Being in Hudson was pure torture. She would have loved to see her mom, but watching her snuggle up to the Mom-Stealing Neighbor-Guy, who Allison insisted on calling Alex, was too much to bear. Besides, she had been planning a Barney's shopping spree with her friends. Of course, she wouldn't actually buy anything- everything there cost more than their rent- but she would gain popularity points from just being there. And Dan had been acting weird around her. He probably knew that she had told Nate about Blair and Chuck, but who really cared? He was loser and she was a princess, so it wasn't like she _wanted_ him to talk to her. But still, his coldness toward her had made the Hudson trip even less bearable.

When the Gossip Girl homepage finally loaded, she couldn't believe her eyes. Her brother's girlfriend had spent the night in Nate Archibald's apartment? She narrowed her eyes. Nate was _her_ perfect boy, and she would stop at nothing to get him. And even if her brother was a loser, she couldn't believe Serena would treat him like this. "Dan," she called hesitantly. "I think there's something you should see."

Blair was catching up on the latest fashion news in this month's _Vogue_ and sunning herself on the picturesque white beach under the golden Antigua sun. Serena had been right, she did need this vacation. Even if taking a week off from school did look desperate in the eyes of the new popular princesses, Blair would come back with the most perfect natural tan ever, not to mention the fabulous new clothes she had purchased since her arrival. She zoned out, freeing her mind of the thoughts of Chuck and Nate that had constantly plagued her in New York. She might even be able to get over them here. Maybe.

She ordered a strawberry daiquiri and scanned the beach for potential hotties. There was one sunning himself on the beach, but when he turned to her, she found that his mocking smile reminded her too much of Chuck. A wave of nausea swept over her. She was never going to get past this. Suddenly, though, a blonde guy with soft blue eyes and an amazing tan caught her eye. He was playing beach volleyball with a couple of his friends, but he looked her way and began to stare at her. Blair smiled at him beguilingly. She knew she looked insanely hot in her tiny black bikini. He flashed her a smile and went back to his game, but she could tell her was watching her. She turned away so that he could catch a glimpse of her toned ass. This might be fun after all.

Her cell phone vibrated, though, interrupting her far-away flirtations with Beach Hottie. She glanced at it, annoyed, and saw that it was a text message from Gossip Girl. Should she open it? Undoubtedly it would only make her upset. After all, hadn't she come here to escape from all that? But the temptation was too great, and Blair found herself engrossed in the latest news from everyone's "favorite" gossipmonger.

"Oh.My.God," Blair breathed as she read the text. Serena and Nate? That slut! She couldn't even wait two weeks after the breakup! How could she? Blair was enraged, and began to hyperventilate. She felt tears forming in her eyes. It had all been a lie, then, Serena's pretended devotion to her and Nate's ardent declarations of his love right before they had broken up. Had Serena encouraged her to go on this vacation so that she could hook up with Nate? Could she even have played a part in the breakup so she could get to the one guy she couldn't have? Maybe she had told Dan on purpose, praying that it would somehow reach the ears of his social-climbing, backstabbing sister. These thoughts overwhelmed her, and she felt as though she needed to throw up. She wanted to cry, but she was Blair Waldorf, and Waldorfs never cry. She put on her largest Audrey Hepburn sunglasses, downed the entire daiquiri, and turned back to the hottie playing beach volleyball. She was a Waldorf, after all, and concealing her feelings happened to be her particular specialty.

Serena was sitting in a little bistro near her house when she saw the text and she immediately began cursing Gossip Girl. Why did that psycho-stalker with no life have to ruin everything? It was time to undo the damage that never should have been done. She got out her phone, and prepared for some major damage control. She saw that she already had two texts, one from Nate and one from Dan. She read Nate's first, afraid to even look at Dan's. It read: **damn it. cn gossip girl? sorry. **

Quickly, Serena texted back. **yeah but it's ok. not ur fault. cant talk rite now though.**

Within seconds, Nate had replied: **cool. see you around.**

Serena cringed as she opened the text message from Dan. She had learned that he was a rather jealous sort of guy, as was evident from his treatment of her after he learned about her past with Nate. Sure enough, it read: **We really need to talk. My sister showed me Gossip Girl and I think we should definitely discuss the insinuations that you spent the night in Nate's apartment. What happened to being over him? And what happened to being in love with me?**

Leave it to Dan to punctuate his texts and use long words. Still, she understood why he was upset. She picked up the phone and dialed his number. "Hello?" asked a deep voice on the other line.

She took a deep breath and launched into her explanation. "Hey, Dan it's Serena and I know this situation looks really bad and everything but you have to believe me because everything I tell you right now is going to be the truth."

"All right," he said, but not without suspicion in his voice.

"Okay, so I went to the Palace Bar last night and I got a little carried away and I ended up getting really drunk and then Nate showed up. I totally passed out right then and he obviously wasn't going to just leave me there so he picked me up and got me in a taxi and he was going to take me to my house but then he remembered that I was staying in the Palace and I guess he just didn't want to carry me back inside and into the elevator so he took me back to his apartment. And in the morning I woke up and I was still wearing my clothes and he was in another room, for God's sake, and I trust Nate, because this used to happen all the time and he never took advantage of me or anything. So anyway, I just talked with Nate for a little while and we decided that it was time for us to put the past in the past and be friends again and then I left and I guess some idiot tipped off Gossip Girl and now the entire Upper East Side probably thinks I'm some skank who slept with Nate right after he and Blair broke up. I doubt any of that made any sense whatsoever, seeing as how I barely even took a breath, but I'm telling you that it wasn't what you think and that I love you and if you love me, you'll trust me." Serena paused, praying for Dan's forgiveness.

"Wow," Dan said. "Serena, I really don't know what to make of all this. First of all, it's not that I don't trust you, it's that I don't trust Nate. And second, I thought you were done with your wild, drunken days. Things like this wouldn't happen if you weren't slurping hard alcohol."

"Dan," Serena said, exasperated. She felt like she was talking to her mother or something. "I've gotten drunk _one_ time since we've been together, so I would hardly say that my wild, drunken days have returned, and I don't think that that has anything to d with what we're talking about here. Okay, so if you trust me then what was with that text you sent me? And why on earth wouldn't you trust Nate?"

Dan sighed. "Okay, Serena that's fair enough. I guess I overreacted, but when a guy finds out that his girlfriend spent the night in the apartment of the one guy who she couldn't resist in the past, you can hardly expect him to be totally cool about it. And why would I trust Nate? He cheated on Blair and dumped her when she cheated on him. I hate to put it this way, but I don't trust him and you shouldn't either. I'm afraid that he still has feelings for you and that something might happen if you two try to be friends again. It's me or Nate, Serena. You have to make a choice."

Serena sucked in her breath. This wasn't happening. "Dan, you don't even know Nate. Why are you judging him like this? Why are you making me choose between my boyfriend and someone I care about deeply _as a friend_?"

"Because you slept with that someone, Serena. Maybe I am being judgmental, but I think what I ask is fair enough," Dan said, his voice level.

"I thought we were beyond this. I didn't even know you back then!" Serena shouted. "I thought you cared about me enough to be above these stupid rumors. If you have to ask this of me, and if you can't trust me without banning me from caring about the people that I care about, I don't think that this is going to work."

"You _slept_ with Nate. I think you care about him a little too much," Dan yelled into the phone.

"If you really believe that, then I think I can make that choice in a heartbeat, Dan," Serena said softly, her voice a broken whisper. "I choose friendship that's worth something over love that isn't worth anything."

"So I guess this is over, then?" asked Dan in an equally soft voice.

"I guess so." Serena was struggling to keep from sobbing. "Good-bye, Dan."

"Bye."

Click. Serena stared down at the phone, wondering if this was really happening. How was she going to live without Dan? She realized that she had no one to go to now except for Blair. And Nate of course, but he was the reason that this had happened and she didn't really feel like talking to him right now. She dialed Blair's number, reluctant to interrupt her tropical paradise, but in great need of a friend. There was no answer. And there was no answer the second time. Or the third. Suddenly it hit her. Blair had seen the text message and thought exactly what everyone else thought. She texted Blair for good measure, saying only: **it's not true believe me. call me and i'll explain. **But she knew Blair well enough to know that she was _not_ going to call back. Serena put her head in her hands and let all the tears she hadn't cried in the last few tragic hours fall down her cheeks, and sobs began to rack her body.


	2. Chapter 2

Nate found himself walking through Central Park, thinking about Serena. The cold air was refreshing as he thought back through all the moments in which Serena had touched his life. Feeding the ducks in the park when they were in first grade, laughing as they threw bread crumbs at the greedy yellow birds. The time in seventh grade when Blair had been away and the two of them had spent hours sitting in this park, talking about everything and nothing. He had kissed her that night, and she had kissed him back, but the next day she had pretended like nothing had ever happened. He had been heartbroken. Of course, the clearest and most painful of all the memories was the bittersweet recollection of what had occurred at the wedding of Tom and Emma Shepard. They had been drunk, but they had known exactly what they were doing as she ripped of his shirt and his hands found their way up her dress. It had been heaven then, but in the morning he had woken up on the floor of the bar, and Serena had been gone. It had been like that with them, her always running away when he expressed the slightest feeling. It was almost as though she was afraid of his love.

He wanted her friendship back more than anything else. He missed her carefree spirit and gentle kindness. And he missed seeing her beauty. Of course, he was a gentleman, and it wasn't as though he was making passes at Serena or staring at her boobs all day. But just watching her as she walked through life, so utterly and completely happy and unaware of how she looked, her deep blue eyes shining and her perfect blonde hair cascading down her back, was heaven on earth. If he saw Serena and Blair in a picture, he would have certainly said that Blair was the prettier of the two. She had finer features and more grace and poise. But the _life_ in Serena was infectious, stunning. Everything about her was entirely brilliant. The two girls with whom he had grown up were both undeniably pretty, but as they lived their lives, Serena outshone Blair with her captivating vivacity. Never in his life had Nate seen anything like it.

Nate wasn't exactly sure who he was in love with anymore. Blair's betrayal had hurt him so deeply that he felt he must have loved her. But seeing Serena lately, and talking to her, experiencing her lively warmth rather than watching her from afar or replaying his memories over and over had been something else entirely. He had felt something inside him stirring, as though spring was coming, and the barren wasteland of winter was disappearing. It sounded cheesy, he knew, but that was really how he felt when he was with her. Not that he was really with her, of course. There were too many obstacles for that. But he was content just to be with her as a friend and admirer. For now.

His phone buzzed and his heart leapt when he saw that it was a text from Serena. **can you meet me at the palace bar in 5 min? i need to talk to u.**

Quickly, he typed back. **yeah be right there. **Serena wanted to talk to him! That was a start. Hopefully. Unless she wanted to tell him that their newly rebuilt friendship wasn't going to work after all. You never could tell what Serena was going to do next, he thought, smiling slightly.

Blair could hear the hottie laughing with his friends as they walked slowly toward the bar. Their volleyball game had ended, and it was evident that they were looking for a very different kind of sport. He noticed that he said something to them in a low voice, though, and with a few hoots of laughter, they walked in the other direction. She could feel his eyes on her, but she didn't turn around. Better to tease him, she thought, than to throw herself at him.

"Hi," said a rumbling, low voice from behind her.

She turned, and sure enough, it was him. "Hello," she said sassily. "Do I know you?"

"Jared Cole. I'm from Palm Beach," he said in a friendly, warm voice, extending a hand to her. She shook it and held it for a second too long, and met his sea-blue eyes with her most seductive gaze.

"Blair Waldorf. New York City." She noticed that his eyes were traveling up and down her body, slowly. "If you really want to see my body, you could just ask, you know."

Jared looked up and at her and grinned mischievously. "You don't like to beat around the bush much, do you?"

"Never saw the point," Blair replied, her voice hard and cool. "I'm guessing you want a peek?" She began to untie her bikini top, making every motion deliberately slow.

"I think I could help you with that," Jared said, and she could hear desire quivering in his voice as he reached for the knot at the top of her black halter-top. Blair felt it slip to the ground and fall on the sand beneath her toes.

Slowly, she knelt to the sand. "These are going to have to come off, too, aren't they?" she asked, snapping her bikini bottoms against her thighs.

"I'm afraid they are," replied Jared in mock apology. In one sudden motion, he ripped them off. "That's much better." He began caressing her thighs as she wiggled her hips in the sand. As Blair looked at him, she realized that there was no going back now, and she took it as it came.

Hours later, Blair was panting from exertion. The sky was already a deep blue color, and stars glowed with a shockingly bright white fire. She sat up and looked at Jared, who was lying in the sand, wearing nothing but the pale white sand. His body glowed in the moonlight, sweaty and sticky as he was. He smiled at her. "That was sweet, baby. You sure know what you're doing."

As she heard those words, she realized what had just happened and felt nausea overcome her. She felt tears stinging her eyes. This was what was happening to her, thanks to Nate and Serena and Chuck. They had ripped her heart to shreds, all three of them, and this was the result. "I'm a whore," she whispered, and burst into tears.

Jared looked up at her, astonished. "What's the matter, sweet thing? No harm in being a whore if you're a good one. And I must say, I think you're excellent." He reached over and squeezed her ass with his sandy, sweaty hands.

Blair felt her stomach churn. She needed to get away from him. She took off running, the cool white sand sinking under her feet. She never knew how poignantly beautiful she looked in that moment, the moon shining on her perfect body and silent tears dripping down her cheeks as she ran across the purely white beach. She was a fallen angel, beautiful and devastated, and she didn't know the way back to heaven. At the rate she was going, she would be in the bowels of hell unless someone could save her. A prince, perhaps?

Dan sat completely still on the train back to Manhattan, staring out the window dumbly. All he could think about was how much he had screwed up and how nothing would ever be the same again. Why had he let some stupid gossip get to him like that? He had ruined his relationship with Serena because he didn't trust Nathaniel Archibald. He couldn't believe that he'd been so stupid, giving up on the girl of his dreams just like that because of something that had happened ages ago, something that didn't even matter anymore. He wasn't sure why he let it get to him, why it bothered him even to think of Nate and Serena that way. All he knew was that he had to fix this. How, though?

He looked over at his sister, his usual adviser on such things. She was chatting on her cell phone, oblivious to everything around her. He could see the eyeliner caked onto her eyes and the carefully applied foundation coating her skin. She was wearing high heels and a skirt that was so short that it was barely visible. No, he decided. He couldn't go to Jenny for help. She wasn't the sister he knew anymore. She was a self-absorbed, superficial bitch. Who could he ask for help, then? There was always Vanessa, but he had a feeling that she would be secretly happy that Serena and him were over. It was obvious that she wasn't completely over him, and he didn't want any feelings that she might be hiding interfering with her romantic guidance. For a minute, he seriously considered calling Blair Waldorf and telling her exactly what had happened, but then he realized how idiotic he was being. He wasn't even friends with Blair. She would think he was such a freak, calling her about his relationship problems. Why did he even care what she thought?

Dan nestled himself into the fuzzy fabric of the seat, trying to scoot as far away from his giggling sister as was physically possible in this small of a space. He rested his head against the window, and before he knew it, he was asleep.

_He was running, as quickly as he could down a dark alley. He was in Venice, he soon realized, and the city was enveloped in a thick clock of mist. All around him, gondoliers were rowing through the canals, and strange ghostly figures were whispering something inaudible. He stopped, confused. "What are you saying?" he asked a passing wraith._

"_Find her…find her…find her!" the creature replied, its voice high and sweet._

"_Who? Serena?"_

_The creature shook his head sadly. "She is in Egypt. Find the other one."_

_Before he could ask any questions, the ghostly creature evaporated and he was alone in the fog of a Venice night. The other one? Egypt? What the _fuck_? He stood puzzling as the gondoliers began singing mournful love songs._

_Suddenly, a figure wearing a cloak rose from water. He stared at it, and noticed its enormous, velvety brown eyes. God, this thing looked familiar. "Dan," it said._

"_Blair?" he asked, his voice quivering with uncertainty. _

"_Help me!" she pleaded, in a voice he never would have expected a Waldorf to use, no matter how much trouble they were in._

"_How?" Something about her now, so broken and fragile, made him feel as though he needed to help her or the world would end._

_She threw back her cloak, and tossed her chestnut curls. She was so beautiful, and he stood their stunned by her quietly pretty features. She opened her mouth as if to scream, but suddenly her features froze in place. Her skin became entirely white, and he realized that she was becoming a doll. Her face cracked in half, her mouth till open in an eternally soundless scream. Slowly, she slipped back into the water without so much as a splash._

"_Blair!" he called, desperately. a_

He bolted awake, and found his sister and several other passengers staring at him inquisitively. "Um, Dan," Jenny said, curiously. "Why did you just scream 'Blair'?"

Oh damn. What the hell? "Did I?" he asked, uncertainly. "That's funny…I was, uh, dreaming about Serena." He shrugged. Okay, not his best lie.

Jenny looked at him skeptically. "Right."

He ignored her and sat back, puzzling over his dream. Why had he dreamt about Serena's best friend? He was supposed to dream about the love he had just lost. Serena was the most beautiful girl in the world, with her pale golden hair and stunning navy eyes. And yet, as he remembered the chocolaty doe eyes that had stared at him with such fear and helplessness, all he could think about was how delicate and pretty Blair was. Stop it, Humphrey, he thought, annoyed with himself_. _He decided that he was just tired, and one too many coffees that morning had made his thoughts jumbled. That didn't sound very convincing, even to him.

Serena drummed her fingers on the glass table as blue lights flashed over her head and jazzy music played softly in the background. The Palace was the place to be on a Saturday night. The waitress came by and, taking one look at her puffy red eyes and runny mascara, asked, "Drink?"

Serena thought for a second. Hard alcohol was exactly what she needed right now, he was barely over last night's hangover and another splitting headache and dry throat wasn't a particularly appealing thought. "Uh, just water for me, thanks."

The waitress looked confused, but scurried away. She sighed, regretting her choice already. Oh well. Nate would be here soon, and maybe he would make everything all right. Or he would just mess everything up. You never could tell with Nate. Suddenly, two hands covered her eyes. "Guess who?" asked Nate playfully.

Serena smiled a sad smile, and once again her mind was overcome by memories of her golden days. This was a game they always used to play, when they were younger and bolder, and they thought nothing could come between them. "Hmm…Blair?"

Nate laughed. "Guess again."

"George Washington," Serena said, teasingly. "OH, I know! Nate!"

"How'd you guess?" Nate asked, walking around to sit across from her at the table. He was astonished when he saw her face. Her makeup was all over the place and her eyes were rimmed with red. And he knew that look in her eyes well enough. Something was definitely gone. The smile vanished from his face instantly. "Serena, what's wrong?"

The concern in his voice almost frightened her. He really cared about what she was feeling, and wanted to hear talk about it. Why did that make her heart beat so quickly? "Well, um, it's the Gossip Girl text. Blair saw it, and she's not answering my calls or texts. Look Nate, I know you're really upset with her, but I'm worried about her. She's been having a lot of trouble with herself lately, and I'm afraid that reading that text might have sent her over the edge. Do you think you could talk to her? If you can't do it for her, could you do it for me? I'm not asking you to forgive her, but could you maybe just...I don't know?"

Nate looked at Serena's worried face, the blue disco lights dancing on her pale hair and illuminating her stunning features. He thought of Blair, and he knew that if he even began to talk to her, he would find himself pulled back into a relationship with the one girl who he never wanted to speak to again. It worked that way with Blair. She manipulated everything to make it what it wasn't, and he knew that if he didn't keep his distance he would be right back where he had been a few months ago. But as he looked at Serena, he knew that he would never be able to refuse her this one selfless plea. "Yeah," Nate said softly. "I'll talk to her." He turned away, as it suddenly pained him to look at her.

Serena didn't feel the jolt of glee that she had expected. Instead, she felt as though everything was totally blank, and she was looking at a world in which there was no color. She felt her stomach sink as Nate turned away. He was obviously lost in thoughts about Blair and how deeply he loved her. Why did that bother her so much? She shook her head. She had _just_ broken up with Dan. Nate didn't even know about that yet! "Oh, and uh, Nate, Dan and I broke up." Saying it out loud made it sound so final and sharp, and she felt the words slice the silence in the air. The world became vibrant with color again, and she could feel electricity in the air as Nate snapped his head around and stared at her right in the eye.

"What?" he asked incredulously, certain that he had heard wrong.

"Yeah, earlier, after he saw the text. He…we…I don't know, I don't really feel like talking about it, k?" The pain in her voice was raw. Nate had heard it once before, the day in front of the Palace Hotel when she had told him once and for all that she didn't want him. His eyes clouded, remembering how broken he had felt that day, and how sick he had felt as he watched her exit the Kiss On The Lips Party, holding the hand of Daniel Humphrey. Her soft and quavery voice now embodied everything he had felt on those two occasions.

Nate wanted to strangle Dan Humphrey for what he had done, and he certainly would have if he had been close by. Since he wasn't, he reached out and took Serena's hand, because it felt like the natural thing to do. "It's okay Serena," he whispered gently, soothingly. "Everything's going to be all right." She shook her head slowly. Nate realized how much Serena must have cared about Dan. He couldn't help wondering why.

Serena felt all the emotions that had been swirling inside her rush back at her, and the salty tears started afresh. She was crying like a child now, a lost and lonely child who didn't understand why things were the way they were. Nate pulled her closer to his chest, holding her tightly and letting her tears soak his cashmere sweater. "Shhh, shhh, shhh," he cooed softly. "Serena, don't worry, I'm here."

She felt Nate's strong grip on her, and his comforting words began to melt her heart like butter. Nate was here, and Nate cared. Her world was spinning out of control, and everything she had fought hard to create was toppling, but Nate was here and everything was going to be all right.

Hey, Upper East Siders,

Gossip Girl here, and boy do I have some juicy news. Let's start with the best. Spotted:** S **having a late-night cryfest in the Palace Bar. And who was there to comfort her? You guessed right…**N**! She was seen crying on her chest like he was her daddy…or possibly her boyfriend? And remember Brooklyn Boy? **S**'s (former) charity case? He was seen on a train to Grand Central waking from a deep sleep and screaming our ex-princess's name. That's right…looks like someone was dreaming about **B**. This story is definitely taking some interesting turns. And where is **B**, anyway? We're beginning to wonder. We remember the last time an It-girl disappeared. It wasn't pretty, but it sure was fun to watch! Which is exactly what I'll be doing, thanks.

You Know You Love Me,

Gossip Girl


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's note: **Hey everyone! Thanks for all of the encouraging reviews. I'm going to do my best to keep updating frequently, but this week might be a little tough. Hang in there, though! I'll get around to it. A lot of people seemed interested in the Blair/Dan angle- some people thought it was a good thing, others didn't really like it. It's not exactly my thing either, but I'm so sick of reading all Blair and Chuck fanfics (no matter how much I love them) that I decided to throw in a little something else. The focus is definitely on N/S, though, because I am OBSESSED with them. Love you all, and keep reading!

Dan didn't like to admit it, but he checked up on Gossip Girl on special occasions (read: when he felt like he needed to stalk a certain UES blonde). Today was definitely a special occasion. He and Serena were on the outs, and he wanted to know what she was up to. He made sure no one was watching and flipped open his laptop. Gossip Girl opened, and he was greeted by a picture of Serena in Nate's arms, her face miserable and him stroking her golden tresses. Dan winced, as though he had been slapped. He quickly scanned the short paragraph of sightings, but stopped dead when he saw that he was mentioned. Oh God. That girl sitting in the aisle across from him must have tipped off Gossip Girl. Why did she have to mess with everyone's lives anyway? Weren't they entitled to some privacy? Evidently not. What was Blair going to think when she read this? No, what was _Serena_ going to think? He wondered briefly where Blair had disappeared to, but quickly shut the thought out of his mind. The thing he had to do right now was fix everything with Serena.

He picked up his phone and considered calling her. No, he needed something more creative than that. It was time to call the one other girl in his life who he actually trusted and cared about. He dialed Vanessa's number, praying that she would pick up.

"Hello?" asked a chipper voice on the other line. He was in luck.

"Vanessa, hey, it's Dan."

"Oh, hey. What's up?"

"Look, Abrams, I doubt you've heard, but pretty much the entire Upper East Side of Manhattan knows that Serena left Nate Archibald's apartment yesterday morning. She denied it, but I kind of screwed things up because something about Nate really gets to me. And then today Gossip Girl published pictures of her in Nate's arms, crying. Oh, and some loser told her that I screamed Blair Waldorf's name on a train. Which I did, but only because I had a nightmare where she was attacking me." Ok, so not the full truth. But close enough.

"Whoa, whoa, slow down," Vanessa said. "Since when do _you _read Gossip Girl?"

Silence.

"All right," she continued, chuckling. "Will circle back to that on a later occasion. One thing at a time. First off, do you think she slept with Nate that night? Really and honestly, what do you think?"

Dan stared into the phone uncertainly. He had no idea he was going to face this kind of interrogation. "Well, no. I mean, I trust her." Those words sounded hallow, in the face of all he had done.

"Okay, so if you trust her, why did you get angry? And why do you let Nate get to you?" Vanessa asked.

"V, I didn't call you so you could analyze me. Trust me, I've been analyzing myself since this whole thing began. All I need is for you to help me get Serena back," he said, exasperated with these pointless questions.

"I can't help you if you don't answer my questions. Serena's going to ask you the same ones, so you might as well be prepared," Vanessa said, her tone indicating that she was superior to him in such matters. She was enjoying this, really.

"Okay, okay. Um, I got mad because Serena and Nate kind of have a history together and I just can't bear to think of her with another guy, because that's how much I love her," he blurted.

Vanessa was quiet for a minute. Sometimes she wanted to be Dan's one and only, the girl he loved that much. She knew she had been, once. But those days were over, and the past was in the past. "Aww," she cooed, almost mockingly. "Tell her that. And if she asks about the Blair thing, just say that you had a weird nightmare and that Gossip freak blew everything out of proportion."

"Thanks, V. But I really think I need something a little more creative. An apology that will _make _her forgive me, you know."

Vanessa smiled to herself. This was what she was good at. "Well, I could probably help you come up with a few ideas…" she crooned pensively, as though it was a big sacrifice on her part.

Blair didn't even look at the next Gossip Girl text. She deleted it, right along with Serena's feeble excuse for her slutfest with Nate. What a lying bitch of a whore, honestly! Not that she could really call anyone names after yesterday's escapades, but still. She would never stoop _that_ low. Blair stayed at the hotel all the next day, feeling queasy and tired. She made arrangements to return to New York the next day. She needed to get out of this hellhole. When her phone rang, she hesitated before answering it. She was not taking Serena's calls. But it might have been the travel agent calling her back, so she reached for her vibrating cell phone. When she saw who it was, adrenaline began pumping through her body. That four-letter name could send chills down her spine and make her faint dead away. She knew she shouldn't have picked up, or even thought about picking up, after everything that had happened. But even Waldorfs have some weaknesses, and she found herself pressing the "Answer" button on her phone.

"Hello?" she said, hoping that the excitement she felt didn't make her voice squeaky.

"Hey, uh, Blair, it's Nate." His voice was so deep and sexy and scrumptious that she wanted to melt. Every time, he did this to her. He would hurt her so badly that she could barely stand up, and then he would reach out a hand to help her. She knew from experience that that hand would soon slap her down again, but she couldn't resist taking it.

"Nate," she said, coolly. After all, she didn't even know what he wanted yet.

"Look, Blair, I know that last time we talked I said some pretty harsh things. And I know that nothing has been easy for us in the past year. I just think, you know, that we've been together for so long, that we must have something special if we could withstand all that. And I'm not saying that we should be in a relationship or anything, but I think maybe if we started talking again…maybe we could work something out," Nate rambled. God, it wasn't easy lying to her again and again. But he thought of Serena's face as he said the words, imagining the joy on her face when she heard that he had extended the laurel to Blair. He knew he was only destroying Blair, and most likely Serena, with his continuous merry-go-round of love and relationships and hook-ups and mess-ups. But he wasn't sure how to stop it. Or if he ever would.

Blair felt everything inside herself rise up with joy. Nate wanted her. He really and truly wanted her. This was amazing, wonderful, beautiful. But wait…what about Serena? "I-I think maybe if we tried…something might…I'm not sure Nate. I mean, you just hooked up with Serena, so obviously you don't care about me _that_ much." It was easier to accuse him than accept him. It always had been.

"You don't really believe that Blair, do you? Look, Serena got really drunk at the Palace and collapsed right when I walked in. I took her home because didn't know where else to take her. I put her in my bed, and I slept on the couch, for Heaven's sake. I know it doesn't look good, but I swear it isn't true," Nate said, without much passion in his voice. He was secretly hoping that Blair might not believe him. "But I understand if you don't want to try this. I know my past record isn't great, and I'm not sure what I could promise you for the future. But if you're willing to try, so am I." This was such crap. It was terrible to be doing this to her, when he knew that he would only let her down once again. Their relationship had been over the minute it had started. Why was he prolonging the suffering for both of them?

Blair absorbed the information with glee. Of course Gossip Girl had been wrong! If Nate said so, it was true. "Nate, I-I think we should do this. It's only fair, considering our history and everything. But it's not going to be easy. There's going to be a lot of figuring out to do before we can be back to the way we were." She was already setting down the conditions, planning it meticulously like her coordinated outfits.

Nate sighed inwardly. He had known this was coming. "Of course. I understand, and I'm ready to try for you. There's a lot to overcome, with Chuck and…everything, but I think we can do it."

"I'll be back in New York tomorrow. Dinner at Jean-George's the day after, 8:00? We definitely need to talk things over," Blair said, authoritatively.

"Uh, yeah, sound's good," Nate said as he realized that he was already caught up in the whirlwind of the relationship that he had been trying so hard to escape. "See you there."

"Great," chirped Blair, as she hung up the phone. She sprang out of bed and began to twirl in place, like a little child. There was so much to do before tomorrow night, she realized, and began to plan it out. She needed a dress, a limo, a hairstylist, and, of course, she needed to call Serena, her best friend forever. "Watch out, New York," said Blair, to herself. "It's time for my comeback."

Nate, on the other hand, stood staring off into space, realizing the weight of what he had just done. He thought about the conversation he had just had, and one phrase stood out. _The way we were_. What way had they been, really? What way did she want them? Surely she didn't mean all the times earlier that year when they had been pulling away from each other, when everything had been awkward and wrong and nothing ended up the way either of them wanted. There had been one period of time, right before her betrayal, that had seemed truly perfect. But it had been the challenge that Nate had enjoyed. He had had to chase her like never before, prove himself to her. Once they were in a relationship again, and everything became lovey-dovey, he had been bored. Was that the way Blair wanted it? He wanted no part of the drama that that kind of relationship entailed, just like he had never wanted any part in the drama that he had been forced to endure in the past. They had been through so much, the two of them, as he had said during the conversation. He had said that the obstacles in their relationship had been "Chuck and…everything." What he hadn't said was that by everything, he had meant Serena.

Serena woke up to the sound of her cell phone ringing.

Holding hands with you when we're out at night,

_Got a girlfriend, you say it isn't right,_

_And I've got someone waiting too__._

She had bought that ring tone ages ago, and remembered thinking about Nate when she had. It was "Why Can't I?" by Liz Phair, and it had practically been the theme song for her relationship with Nate. She had always thought about changing it, but hadn't ever gotten around to it.

What if this is just the beginning?

_We're already wet, and we're gonna go swimming,_

_Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you?_

_Why can't I speak whenever I talk about you?_

_It's inevitable, it's a fact that we're gonna get down to it,_

_So tell me…_

_Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you?_

She turned to answer it, her movements still slothlike. She had never been a morning person, after all. Slowly, she reached to pick it up.

It's an itch we know we are gonna scratch,

_Gonna take a while for this egg to hatch,_

_But wouldn't it be beautiful,_

_Here we go, we're-_

"Hello?" she moaned groggily, interrupting the song.

"Rise and shine, sleepyhead! It's 11:00 and you have some errands to do," said a chipper, joyful voice on the other line.

Serena was instantly awake. "Blair? Is that you?"

"The one and only."

"Didn't I tell you never to call before lunchtime? Oh, and I thought you were mad at me?" Serena said, questioningly, recalling that Blair hadn't answered her calls or texts in days.

"I was, but Nate explained everything. Which is actually why I called. Nate wants to get back together with me!" Blair squeaked joyfully.

Serena knew that she was the reason for this, and it therefore followed that she ought to be happy. But for some reason, this was the last thing in the world she wanted. I must just care about Blair a lot, and not want her to get hurt, she thought, unsure why she felt this way. "That's great, Blair!" she screamed, feigning both enthusiasm and surprise. "I knew he loved you!"

"Well, duh, everyone does," Blair laughed dismissively. "But anyway, he's taking me to dinner the day after tomorrow, at Jean-George's. I need you to go to Bergdorf's and find me a dress. I could have Pauline do it, but this needs to be really special, so I'm trusting you, Serena."

Things were back to normal, then. Serena was the servant to the princess and the somewhat reluctant prince. Funny how she knew exactly what this was like. "Okay," she said, nodding. "What else?"

"Well, call Frederic Fekkai, of course, and book me an hair appointment for 4:00 tomorrow? Do you think that'll give me enough time? Yeah, I'm sure I'll have plenty. Oh, and if you can, go to Chanel and see if you could pick up the pumps I have on hold," Blair commanded.

"All rightey," Serena said. It wasn't like she had anything better to do, anyway.

"Oh, and Serena," Blair murmured, softly. "I-I'm sorry for not trusting you."

Serena's heart melted. This was why she was friends with this stubborn, difficult girl. It was for these meaningless little displays of affection sandwiched between orders and angry accusations that Serena stayed best friends with Blair Waldorf. "Hey, it's fine. It was a pretty suspicious situation."

Blair's tone went back to her bossy one. "Yeah. And make sure you do all those things by 6:00 because I'll be back by then. I decided to come home a day early, as there was really nothing here to keep me." Thoughts of Jared's sickening caresses entered her mind, but she quickly banished them. "Oh, and say hi to Cabbage Patch for me. On second thought, don't."

Before Serena could say anything else, Blair hung up, and she was left to think about Dan. Her heart hurt less now, as she considered that she might be almost better off without him. She really needed to focus on herself right now, because weird things were happening inside of her, and she didn't really know what to make of it all. The night before with Nate had been nothing like what she had expected. She had ended up in Nate's arms once again, and she saw a text on her phone from Gossip Girl, most likely reporting that incident. Oh well, people would think what they would think. Things were about to go back to the way they had always been, with her and Blair and Nate as best friends, before Dan or Chuck or anything had ruined it. Well, actually her and Nate had been the major forces in destroying that. Now that she thought about it, maybe going back to those times might not be the best idea. It would be something totally new and different, a fresh start. BNS Friendship Take II, minus the NS attraction.

Suddenly, she heard noises coming from outside. It sounded, vaguely, like someone was singing in the courtyard. That was odd. She walked over to the window and looked out at the stately, tiled area that was edged with fir trees. Did she see what she thought she saw? She squinted. That was definitely Dan. What on earth was he doing? She threw open the window and noticed that he was holding a microphone and was surrounded by enormous bunches of flowers. Red roses and yellow roses and tulips and daisies…what the hell?

He was staring up at her window, and when he saw her head poke out, he smiled, a slow, uncertain smile. He lifted the microphone to his lips, and began to sing.

_You are my fire,_

_The one desire,_

_Believe when I say,_

_I want it that way._

Serena began to laugh. Dan was outside, singing her a Backstreet Boys song, humiliating himself in an effort to make it up to her. She joined in.

_But we are two world apart,_

_Can't reach to your heart,_

_When you say, I want it that way,_

_Tell me why ain't nothing but a heartache,_

_Tell me why ain't nothing but a mistake,_

_Tell me why I never want to hear you say, _

_I want it that way._

He threw the flowers into the air, and continued to sing as passerby stared and the manager came out to yell at him. All the time, though, Serena was watching and laughing, and the look on her face told him that he had picked the perfect apology. She called down to him, "Come up here, loser!"

And he did. Quickly.

Blair arrived home at 6:00 on the dot, and found two packages waiting for her, with short notes from Serena attached to both. Normally, she would have asked (read: ordered) Dorota to carry them for her, but she was in such good spirits that she didn't mind carrying them herself. She plopped them on her bed and took out a pair of scissors to slice them open with. In the first package, she found a pair of amazingly delicate grey Chanel pumps. She smiled. Perfect. She ripped open the second one, eager to see what else Serena had bought her. She pulled out a gorgeous strapless dress of lavender silk and sheer white tulle. She pulled it over her head, eager to see what she looked like in this dazzling number. It floated over her head, and settled perfectly on her delicate curves. It was cut off right above her knee, showing off her tanned calves. The top was encrusted with small diamonds, and just enough of her cleavage was showing. She pulled on the grey heels and walked over to the mirror. She couldn't resist twirling, knowing full well that she looked like a goddess. Nate wouldn't be able to resist her.

She was never able to fully explain what she did next. She just knew that she wanted the whole of New York to see her looking her absolute best, gorgeous and dressed to the nines. So she decided to take a walk toward the Palace Hotel, parading her finery. Who cares if it was a day early for the special occasion? She was Blair Waldorf, and everyone needed to know that no matter what, she was queen. And she dressed like it too.

Dan was walking out of the Palace Hotel, completely satisfied with the way the day had gone. After a great deal of talking and apologizing, he and Serena had finally made up and gotten back together again. Of course, it was mostly due to Vanessa's fabulous advice, and he needed to remember to thank her somehow. They had brainstormed all morning, and had been especially stumped by what song he should perform. His first suggestion had been "Brown-Eyed Girl," but Vanessa had reminded him that her eyes were blue. It was funny how he had thought that they were gorgeous and chestnut. Oh well. They had finally settled on the perfect song, and he and Serena were back together. Everything was going to go back to the way it had been.

It was then that he saw her, a goddess, walking down the street. She was wearing the most beautiful purple dress he had ever seen, and she was walking with such poise and elegance down the street. He couldn't see her face from so far away, but he could make out her slender waist and lovely curves. He saw that she was tanned and brunette, the best possible combination. He couldn't help but stare at her as she slowly approached. Who was she, anyway? He had to meet her. He remembered Serena, suddenly, and almost hit himself. What was wrong with him? He had just gotten back together with her, for crying out loud. But he couldn't stop staring, and he stood, rooted to the spot.

It wasn't until she was a half a block away that he realized who he was transfixed by. He couldn't believe it. He was obsessing over Blair Waldorf. He had never really looked at her before, as he had always been put out by her iciness and her unwillingness to even talk to him, but he realized now that she was stunning. Stunning in a different way than Serena, in more of a china doll sort of way, but absolutely fucking stunning nonetheless. He almost slapped himself. This was the girl who had been a bitch all year long, slept with her boyfriend's best friend, caused Serena more pain than anyone else, and committed all sorts of little treacheries throughout the course of her existence. But that didn't stop her from being damn hot.

Blair saw Dan Humphrey standing outside of the Palace Hotel. Probably back from a bedroom rampage with Serena. Blech. But as she looked at him, she noticed that his eyes were fixed on her in the most unsettling way. He wasn't staring at her curves like other guys, or glancing at her face in passing. He was looking at her like she was a goddess, the queen of his world, the reason for his existence. His eyes were devouring her, and she felt a rush of blood through her body. This was so weird. He was supposed to look at Serena like that, not her. And even if he did, she was supposed to be creeped out. He was from Brooklyn, for God's sake. But she was enjoying ruling someone's world like that, even if it was only for a minute. Nate had certainly never looked at her like that. She put that thought out of her mind, quickly. This whole thing was fucking weird.

They were ten feet away from each other now, and neither really knew how to react to the other. They stared each other down for a minute, before Blair decided to do what she was best at- being a bitch. "Done checking me out, Brooklyn?"

Dan wasn't sure how to react to that. So she'd noticed then, that he'd been staring at her. But she didn't have to be such a bitch about it. He found himself saying exactly what he was thinking. "You know, you don't always have to be a bitch like that."

Blair had expected some half-wit comeback that she could easily beat down, but this was different. In this world, everyone was a bitch. People were supposed to behave like that, because otherwise there was no surviving. If she didn't act the way she did, people would have cut her down long, long ago. Why was he so damn different? It unnerved her, and Blair Waldorf was certainly not used to being unnerved. "I don't even know why I'm talking to you, Cabbage Patch. Could you move aside so I don't have to trample you?"

He jumped out of her way, stung by the force behind her words. Why was she like this, anyway? "Always a pleasure, Waldorf." He watched her walk away, swinging her hips. He decided that she was definitely a bitch. A beautiful bitch, though.

Nate Archibald was most certainly drunk. He was wandering around outside the Palace Hotel, trying to clear his head. He stumbled down onto the steps, feeling his head spin. This was what being with Blair did to him. He couldn't stand it, being tied down to the wrong girl, and he turned to alcohol and drugs, just like he always had in the past. Everything was a blur of colors, and he prepared to fall into a pot of dark unconsciousness, as was often the case during his drunken rampages. Instead, he heard an angelic voice in the background. He tried to turn to see who it was but he fell over. The voice became clearer. "Nate, what are you doing here?"

He knew that voice, even when he was beyond dead drunk. Serena. He was in love with Serena. He reached for her hand. "Serena, come down here. It's cold up there in heaven. Join me in hell," he slurred, unsure of what he was saying until it left his mouth.

Serena sat down beside him, seriously concerned. "Nate, you're stoned, aren't you?"

"No, Madam, I'm in love," he blubbed.

Serena wasn't sure what to do with him. She had always been the one who he had taken care of, never the other way around. She didn't even know what to do with a drunk person. She decided it was best to humor him. "Of course you are. Blair will be here soon."

"Not Blair!" he shouted, vehemently. "Serena. So pretty, so so pretty. Tell the angel to bring me her for Christmas."

She let go of his hand, jumping back. "You don't know what you're saying, do you?"

He launched himself at her. "Don't leave me! She left me and she never came back. She's gone and I can't find her. It's all dark without her." His head throbbed as words poured out of his mouth. He couldn't even hear himself talking. Who was he talking to, anyway?

Those words were like barbs in Serena's heart. She knew he was drunk, but still. She had never wondered if her leaving had affected Nate at all. It obviously had. Had her absence been as hard on him as it had been on Blair? "It's okay," she said, trying to soothe him. How could she make him feel better when she felt terrible for hurting him like this? "She'll be home soon. Don't worry."

"She's the only one I want," he slurred, before his voice trailed off and his eyes closed.

Serena sat in the courtyard, an unconscious Nate in her lap. Of course he didn't mean what he was saying. He was drunker than she had ever seen him, and it seemed like he thought he was living in the past. It scared her, though, that he would even think about them together, as a couple. It scared her even more that all of a sudden she was thinking about the same thing. If there had been no Dan, no Blair, no lives interfering, where would they be right now? She realized that that was a rhetorical question. She already knew the answer.

Hey Upper East Siders,

Gossip Girl here, and I have some interesting tidbits for you. **B** is back! Looks like she's not pulling a Serena and heading off to "boarding school" for a year. She was spotted walking up and down the streets of Manhattan in an absolutely stunning Valentino gown. Who you saving that for, **B**? A boy? I sense that love is in the air. OH, and speaking of love, Brooklyn's back in the game! I mean, of course, that **S **and Lonely Boy are definitely an item again. He awakened our princess with an off-key serenade and was then incited up to her suite. (Gag.) Oh, and **N**? He was drunk off his ass outside the hotel where **S **happens to be living. Coincidence? Fate? Who knows, you ask. I do, of course. Because don't forget, I know everything. Well, practically everything.

XOXO,

Gossip Girl


	4. Chapter 4

**Author's Note:** Sorry it's so short, guys, but it's been really crazy this week. I'll try to write more next week.

Monday mornings were hell for everybody. For Dan and Jenny Humphrey it meant the long drive from Brooklyn to the Upper East Side, where they probably wouldn't fit in anyway. For Serena it meant waking up early, trudging to school, and dealing with everything that had happened over the weekend. For Nate Monday mornings meant seeing Serena and Blair together, yearning for one but being forced to turn to another. But Mondays were the worst for Blair Waldorf, because it was on these days that the weekend ended, and with it, her fantasy of her perfect life as queen of the UES. She was still banished for her stupid mistakes, without anyone but Serena to care for her.

But on this particular Monday, Blair awoke joyfully. She was going to see Nate today, and the whole world was going to see her with Nate. She applied raspberry-colored lipgloss with extra care, and smoothed down her richly curled waves meticulously. She slid a white headband on to complete the look, and swiped mascara over her thick black lashes. After slipping on her modified version of the Constance Billard uniform, she examined herself in the mirror. She hadn't looked this good in weeks.

She ate next to nothing for breakfast, because while she had given up purging, she was now eating less and less. She needed to maintain her thin frame if she ever wanted to get her crown back. She stepped into the limo, and asked the driver to take her to the front entrance. Lately, she had been crawling through the back door, but not today. Not when Nate Archibald was standing in that courtyard. The driver pulled up to the school, and she made a show of getting out. Swinging her hips, she noticed heads turning her way. Ah, the attention.

She walked into the courtyard and scanned the crowd for Nate. She didn't see his golden-brown head peeking out, and for the first time her confidence began to waver. Where could he be? Couldn't he see that she needed him most today of all days? Well, it was still early, so she sat on the steps to wait for his arrival.

She noticed the new clique eyeing her suspiciously. They were jealous, then, of all the attention her grand entrance had stirred up. She could sense that their jealousy was full of fire, that they were going to fight and fight before they would loose their new positions as rulers of Constance. So much the better. Because if Blair knew anything, she knew how to play with fire.

But where was Nate? She needed a perfect guy to complete her perfect image, and she didn't have on without Nate? And she needed her best friend. Where was she?

Blair looked around the courtyard frantically, and her eyes fell on Dan Humphrey, who was apparently also looking for Serena. She walked over to him with purpose in her step, hoping to keep this transaction as short as possible. "Have you seen Serena?" she asked, bossiness coating her voice.

"Hello to you too. And no, I haven't. I was looking for her," Dan said, and something in his voice sounded raw and exposed, like he needed her to be here.

Blair heard how hurt his tone was by her absence, and inexplicably felt sorry for him. "I can't find Nate either. She'll be here," Blair reassured him.

Somehow she seemed to have said the wrong thing, because he visibly winced. "Do you think she's _with_ Nate?" he asked.

Blair jumped back. Of course she wasn't. "Of course not," Blair said, feigning confidence. "Don't you trust her at all?" She knew she didn't really have a right to ask questions like that when she herself never demonstrated her trust for her best friend.

"I do…It's just that I'm not over the fact that she chose him over me," Dan confided. Why the hell was he telling Blair Waldorf this? She was the supreme bitch, the ex-queen bee, and Serena's bff. But somehow it felt right to say these things to her.

"What?" Blair exclaimed, and felt as though she had been slapped in the face. Serena had chosen Nate over Dan? What was that supposed to mean?

"Hasn't she told you? We got into kind of a stupid fight, and I told her to make a choice between her friendship with Nate and our relationship. She chose Nate. I mean, I guess she was just upset that I didn't trust her, and I was being kind of an ass, but I just can't stand thinking about Serena and Nate. Is friendship possible for them?" Dan blurted, all the emotions that had been swirling inside of him the past few days evident in his voice.

Blair felt her world turn upside-down. Why hadn't Serena told her about this? And why had she chosen Nate over Dan? She was in love with Dan, not Nate. Or was she? "I-I don't know. They couldn't be friends before," she murmured.

Dan had never seen her looking so defenseless, so hurt. "Didn't Serena tell you?"

She shook her head.

"Do you think Serena's still in love with Nate?" Dan asked, looking her straight in the eye.

The question caught Blair off guard. What _did_ she think? "Of course she isn't!" Blair yelped, trying to reassure herself. "And I need to go to class."

"Bye, Waldorf," Dan said softly as she walked toward the steps of Constance. He turned toward St. Jude's. If he had looked back, he would have seen Blair Waldorf watching him walk away.

Serena was late. She was running down Madison Avenue, waving her hand for a taxi. "Taxi!" she yelled. One pulled over, and she hurdled herself in. "Constance Billard School, please."

She leaned back and breathed out, remembering her morning.

"_Serena! Serena!" Lilly was shaking her awake._

'_Mmm," she mumbled. _

"_Serena, what is Nate doing here?" Lilly had asked._

_She bolted awake. "Nate?"_

"_Well, that woke you up," Lilly said, laughter in her voice. "It's five of eight! And Nate is sleeping on the couch."_

_The events of last night flooded Serena's mind. "Oh, he got drunk downstairs and passed out. I thought I should bring him up here,"_

"_Reminds me of old times," Lilly said, a bit of nostalgia in her voice. Sure, she liked Dan fine, and thought he was good for her daughter, but something missed unpredictable, gentlemanly Nate. "What happened to you and Nate anyway?" Lilly asked. She had never been able to figure that one out._

_Serena was out of bed, hopping wildly about and trying to get dressed. "Mom! I don't have time for this right now. " She pulled on her skirt._

"_You guys were so close, you Nate and Blair," Lilly reminisced._

_Serena yanked on her shirt, determined not to answer her mother's questions, but memories were already flooding her mind. "Yeah. Well I'm late already, so I'll go. When Nate wakes up give him some strong coffee and send him to school. I'll see you later."_

"_Can I invite Nate over?" Lilly asked, but Serena was already out the door. _

Serena sighed. Why did everyone have to keep reminding her of the past? She thought she had left it in the past and moved on for the better, but part of her missed the wild, carefree days when her and Nate and Blair had been the golden trio, happy and crazy. Her and Nate had broken that, she knew. Even while they had been friends, there had been moments when their feelings for each other had shone through.

_It was a ninth grade birthday party, the one where she remembered meeting Dan. She had been drinking, but she wasn't dead drunk yet. She felt hands on her eyes, and she joyously shouted, "Nate!" She whirled around and hugged him. Nate always made her so inexplicably happy. "Where's Blair?" The brunette girl always tagged along with her boyfriend these days._

"_She came down with the stomach flu at the last minute," Nate said, regretfully._

"_Aww, too bad," Serena pouted. "I guess it's just you and me, then."_

"_Yep. Wanna dance?"_

"_Sure!" she squeaked. Dancing with Nate was a special treat._

_They made their way out onto the floor, where the DJ was blasting "Collide" by Howie Day. It was a slow song, and he put his hands on her hips, and they both felt electricity running through them. She put her arms around his shoulders, and they began to sway in place to the beat._

"Even the best fall down sometimes

Even the wrong words seem to rhyme

Out of the doubt that fills my mind

I somehow find

You and I collide."

_They hadn't talked then, simply moving back and forth. Both of them had felt the connection, and leaned against each other as though they were they only people on earth. After a few minutes of this bliss, they had both looked at each other. Serena had seen in Nate's gaze a confirmation that he felt exactly the same way she did- that this was where they belonged. Nate looked down at her, and their eyes had locked together. Their lips had moved closer, somehow, though neither had realized this. Slowly, softly, they had kissed, and then deepened the kiss. It was just them, in that moment, in the center of the dance floor, moving together, their lips hungrily grasping at each other's._

Serena shook her head. She hadn't thought about that in so long. It was weird how memories like that came back to her when she least wanted them or expected them. Over the past few days, they had been especially persistent. It was strange, that things had turned out so differently than she had expected them too. Instead of ending up with the guy she had been in love with for her whole life, she had ended up with the lonely one in the corner who she had felt bad for. Her phone buzzed and she pulled it out of her bag.

A text from Blair, probably asking where she was. She opened it and read it. It said: **are you in love with nate? **Her mouth fell open and she froze. Just then, the cab pulled up to Constance.

The first sensation that Nate experienced when he woke up was pain. The second was confusion. Where was he? He looked around, and recognized that this was Serena's suite. He vaguely remembered being at the Palace Bar, but what was he doing here?

"You're finally awake, sleepyhead!" a bubbly voice said. He looked around and saw Lilly, Serena's mom.

" Hello, Mrs. Van der Woodsen," he said groggily. Nate never forgot his manners, even in situations like this. "What am I doing here?"

"Don't tell me you don't remember all the times you've woken up here before!" Lilly said in mock shock. She was still bent on figuring out what had happened between her daughter and Nate.

He laughed slightly. "And you always had coffee for me."

"I'm brewing some right now. Extra strong, with no milk or sugar, if I remember right," Lilly said warmly.

"You're an angel," Nate said.

Lilly decided that it was the perfect moment to make her move. "Tell me, Nate. What happened between you and Serena? Why haven't you two been friends at all lately?"

Those questions caught Nate off his guard. It was a little early in the morning for this kind of talk. "I-I'm not sure…I guess things just…came between us. Blair and Dan and her leaving and everything."

"Do you know why she left?" Lilly asked. It wasn't that she was nosy, but she had been worried about her daughter lately. The life had been sucked out of her, like she hadn't been enjoying anything, and she had wondered if it had anything to do with Nate or Blair or boarding school.

"It caught me by surprise," Nate said, avoiding the question. He looked down quickly.

Lilly realized that it was best not to push it. "I think it caught us all by surprise," she said. She watched him closely, realizing that the reason must have had something to do with Nate.

Nate just nodded, not looking her in the eye.

"By the way Nate, would you like to come over for dinner?"

Nate looked up, eager to accept. Then he remembered him evening with Blair. Oh no. Blair. "Well, uh, I kind of have dinner plans at 8:00, but maybe I could come over before?"

"Come over anytime, Nate. You're always welcome." Lilly smiled. Something told her that Serena needed Nate back in her life.


	5. Chapter 5

Serena chose not to answer Blair's text

Serena chose not to answer Blair's text. This was something they needed to talk about in person. Where the hell had she gotten the idea that she was in love with Nate? Nate was Blair's boy, and had always been Blair's boy. Not that that had stopped her before, but still. It was different now. _Is it really Serena?_ Sometimes at the weirdest times, a small voice would break into her thoughts and completely disconcert her. Of course it was different now.

She rushed into school late and sat through her morning classes before runninng out to the courtyard where she usually met Blair now that the whole Chuck-Nate mess had gotten her blackballed from the steps of the Met. She saw the brunette sitting on the steps, catching up on some reading. "Blair!" she called, rushing toward her. "What was up with that text this morning?"

Blair looked up briefly. "It was just a question. Are you?"

"Blair, you know everything Nate and I had is in the past. I have Dan and Nate's witth you now," Serena said softly.

"That never stopped you before." The brunette looked up at Serena with big, chestnut eyes.

"Blair, what the hell is this about?" Serena sighed, exasperated.

"All I want you to do is answer a straight question. I just want you to tell me, this time, before Nate and I officially start. I just…don't want to get hurt," Blair said softly, looking away.

"I already told you, it's in the past," Serena whispered.

"That isn't an answer. Are you or are you not in love with Nathaniel Archibald?" Blair was getting tired of this. Why couldn't Serena just say it? She wasn't, was she? Blair had simply been asking her these questions to get it off her chest. She hadn't expected Serena to actually say anything.

Why was it so hard for Serena to answer her question. She opened her mouth to deny it, but she choked on her tongue. It was hard, letting go of everything. "No," she said, very loudly, finally managing to get the sound out of her throat. "No, I am not in love with Nate." She looked Blair in the eye, trying hard to hold her gaze steady.

The courtyard suddenly fell silent. No one had mentioned Serena and Nate in ages. Everyone had thought that was over. But of course, a denial was as good as confirmation- in the Upper East Side, it was usually better. Serena looked at all the shellshocked people around her. Damn. Now they would all be talking about how her and Nate were having another secret affair, and she would get caught up in the drama all over again. Her eyes swept the courtyard, but stopped suddenly when she saw a tall figure standing in the entrance. It was Nate. And he was looking at her.

She had always loved and hated how Nate looked at her, with burning eyes and a knowing face, It made her feel almost naked, as though he knew exactly what she was thinking. And he usually did. She stared back at him, and tried to read his mind. She had never been very good at that, but today it was suddenly too clear. He looked hurt, defenseless, like someone had slapped him. It was as though hearing her say that out loud had killed him all over again. And all she wanted to do was walk over to him and cradle him in her arms until he knew it was all right. In that moment, she knew she wasn't over Nate Archibald. Never had been, never would be.

She suddenly felt like the world was strangling her, like all the air had been sucked out of the courtyard. She had to get out of here, out of this open and empty place where her dreams had been shattered. "Blair, I've gotta go," she muttered softly.

"Bye, S," Blair said, noticing that there was something in Serena's eyes and voice that was different today, less lively. Perhaps something had happened at home. It was probably best not to be too had on her.

Serena exited the courtyard, barreling at full speed past Nate and all the other onlookers. She walked a block down the street, not really caring that she was skipping history class. She sank down again the wall of an expensive home and began to softly cry. This wasn't supposed to happen. She was supposed to be with Dan, not Nate. She was supposed to be a devoted, faithful girlfriend, and Nate was supposed to be with Blair. That was how things were meant be, wasn't it? She looked down at the cracks on the sidewalk, too busy wallowing in her own sorrow to notice the shadow over her.

"Serena."

She looked up and saw Nate standing there, and suddenly felt her breath sucked away again. She self-consciously tried to wipe away her runny mascara and look him in the eyes. "Hi, Nate," she whispered, somewhat shyly.

"I want you to tell me what you told Blair. I want you to look me in the eyes and tell me that you don't care for me and never have, just so I can be sure it's true before I start things up with Blair again." Nate looked down at her with his intense gaze.

Serena was stunned. "Nate, don't you think I've been through enough hell for one day?"

"I'm sorry. I know you don't deserve to go through this again, but I have to know. Because if there was any chance…" his voice trailed off, and he left his true feelings unsaid.

Serena stood up, unable to bear the pain. She had ruined her best friend's happiness so many times, and she wasn't planning on doing it again. Her heart writhed in anguish. Why did Nate have to do this right now? "I-I have to go," she said, raw pain evident in her sweet voice.

She started to flee down the block, but she felt Nate's strong grip on her arm. "Serena!"

She shook her head, silently and felt a strange sense of de-ja vu. "No, Nate, no. You're with Blair, I'm with Dan. That's how things are meant to be."

Nate looked at her, and noticed the pain in her eyes. For the first time in ages, he allowed himself to hope that maybe, possibly, she felt something more than friendship. Softly, he murmured, "No, Serena, it was meant to be you." He pulled her toward him and their lips locked together. They both felt the electricity, the newness of this as well as its sweet familiarity. All they wanted was to be with each other forever, standing like this, oblivious to everything but being with each other.

Blair was sitting in the most posh salon in New York city, her brown hair tumbling down her back as one of the leading hairdressers in the world began to pin it into a nuanced Audrey-style updo. She was deeply annoyed that Serena had disappeared before history class, and although she had called her twice to make sure that everything was okay, her best friend hadn't picked up. She had just asked a simple question, and even though it was true that it had been embarrassing for everyone to hear her answer, Serena had dealt with worse. Maybe she was having some problems with Dan. It was weird, how she had stopped calling him Brooklyn in her head. Of course, that didn't stop her from calling him that out loud. But he was the least of her problems right now. Nate hadn't been at school all day, and wasn't picking up his phone either. If she hadn't known better, she would have thought Nate and Serena were somewhere together. They used to cut class all the time in the old days. But things were different now, and Blair didn't think that would happen. And if it did, she sure as hell wasn't going to be happy.

She turned to face the mirror. "Leave a few strands down, please." The hairstylist simply nodded. This girl had taste. And Blair intended to have the perfect night. Nate would be there. He always had been, even if he was a teensy bit late. And really, considering everything, who was she to judge?

Serena's phone sang out for what seemed like the fiftieth time. She _hated_ that song now. She looked at the caller ID, and sure enough, it was Blair again. She couldn't face her now, not after everything she'd done. Serena closed her eyes, shutting out thoughts of her and Nate, kissing passionately in the shade of someone's mansion. It had seemed like hours later when she had felt Nate's hands touching her, running up and down her body and making her feel sinfully good, that she had remembered. Blair. She had turned and run, knowing that if she looked back she never would have been able to leave. Leave. That's what she needed to do.

It was around 4:15 when Serena entered her apartment, and she had already decided that it was time to go back to Hanover. She had been there once already to escape her problems, and she was ready to go there again. But thinking about it, she hadn't escaped them, had she? Nothing had changed, really. For months she had thought that she was a better person, a different person, but today she had realized that it was all just an act. She was the same person she had always been, Serena van der Woodsen, the girl who scribbled Serena Archibald in the margins of papers that she hoped no one would ever see, and hoped that one day that was who she really would be. Serena van der Woodsen, the girl who betrayed her best friend and boyfriend because she happened to be in love with the one guy who could never truly be hers. Because whatever Nate said, whatever Nate did, he was always with Blair. If he had truly cared about her, he would have been with her. That was the way things were, that was the way things had been. And from where she stood, it looked like that was how things were going to be.

She flopped down on her bed and closed her eyes. What she really needed right then was a nap.

Nate walked slowly toward the Palace, unsure if he should really go in or not. Lilly had invited him, but that was before he had kissed Serena. Or Serena had kissed him. He wasn't really sure which had happened, actually. But it had happened and it had been so magical that he just had to push for more. He wanted her, all of her, and he didn't care if he was on the sidewalk in front of his school. But that was where he had screwed up, and Serena had run from him. Why was she always running like that? Wouldn't her long, delicious legs ever get tired of this constant game of tag?

He looked up at the opulently decorated hotel, and decided that it would be best to go in. To apologize, at the very least. If that was what you were supposed to do when you were in love with someone who you weren't supposed to be in love with. He wasn't really sure, even though he had been experiencing it for his whole life. He kept messing up, and it didn't seem like he'd ever get it right. Nevertheless, he stepped into the Palace, prepared for what would probably be a very long evening, including drinks with the girl he loved and dinner with the girl he didn't.


	6. Chapter 6

The doorbell rang, interrupting Serena's restless slumber

The doorbell rang, interrupting Serena's restless slumber. She started, wondering who it could be. That was when she had heard her mother's bubbly voice mingling with a deeper, softer voice. Nate's voice. Her heart quickened. What was he doing here? He was supposed to be at dinner with Blair! And even if he wasn't going to have dinner with her, what was he doing here? He was crazy if he thought what had happened this afternoon was serious. Well, it was serious, but not in the way he might have wanted it to be. Did he want it to mean something more than it had? Serena shook her head, confused by her own thoughts. Slowly, robotically, she stood up and walked out of her room, suddenly conscious of the fact that she looked like a mess.

Nate looked at Serena, and was awed by her beauty, as usual. She was still in her school uniform, and her long pale hair was rumpled, but she looked like a goddess. She was a goddess. But she also didn't look particularly happy to see him. He coughed a bit. "Hi Serena."

"What are you doing here?" she asked, incredulously.

Lilly, who had been standing silently in the background cut in. "I invited him over for some pre-dinner snacking, Serena. I told you about it this morning. Now why don't you two make yourselves comfortable while I order you some room service?"

This was getting weirder and weirder. Since when did her mother invite Nate over for "snacks"? Since when did people "snack" on the Upper East Side? "Sounds good," she said in a tight voice.

Nate and her walked silently into the sitting room area of the Palace suite where they were living, and plopped simultaneously down on the couch. They stared at each other, saying nothing for several minutes. The atmosphere was so intense that Serena had to tear her eyes away from his and study the beige wallpaper. Even that didn't help;

Nate decided to break the silence. "Serena, I'm sorry."

She suddenly felt something rising in her chest, something like indignance. "You don't kiss someone and apologize, Nate." That wasn't really what she had meant to say. She had wanted to give him a speech about her commitment to Blair. Her commitment to Dan. _Dan._ Oh damn. She hadn't even explained her absence from school to him, and she was sure he had called her 50 times already. Somehow, she didn't feel as anxious as she should have to go pick up the phone and explain that she had left because she had realized that she was in love with Nate Archibald.

"That's not what I meant," Nate said passionately. "I meant that I'm sorry that we're not- that we haven't- that everything got in our way." He was struggling, now to find words for his feelings. "It's just that you and Dan, me and Blair, are supposed to be destiny, you know. That's what I'm sorry about."

Serena drew in her breath. "What are you trying to say?"

"I'm not really sure. I just want you to know that if there was any way that I could fix this, that things between us could be right again, I would do it. But I don't know how. I've always thought that you and me were meant to be, that we would find our way together one day. But every time we take a chance, it never works out, and I just…wish it would," Nate rambled. He wasn't even sure what he was getting at here. He was just trying to be honest with her, to tell her what was on his mind.

"Nate, I'm not sure what you're trying to get across," Serena said, exasperated. "But your girlfriend is waiting for you at Jean-Georges, and my boyfriend is probably calling me this very second. And I really don't think this 'friends' thing is working out for us."

Nate jumped back. Her words stung, as usual. Why did he always have to play with fire like this? He suddenly felt angry. Angry at himself for coming at all. Angry at her for not understanding. Angry at the world for making it so hard for them to be together. "Serena, if I leave now, I'm not coming back. I've always been there for you, and you've always been there for me, but if you're not willing to see that what we have is beautiful, that you're destroying everything we could be, there's not point in me being here."

Serena felt as though she had just been shot. Why was everything so hard? "Nate…," she murmured.

"What do you want me to do? Leave or stay?"

She looked up at him with tears in her eyes, knowing that she was about to give up again on the one person she would ever truly love. "Just go, Nate."

His eyes lost their green sparkle, and she saw his jaw flex. Without saying good-bye, he turned and strode slowly toward the door of the suite. Serena felt pain racking her entire body, knowing that this time it was really the last good-bye. There had been so many moments with Nate and her, so many times their friendship had been broken or damaged, but never before had it been so final, so cold and clear. Her and Nate were over, even though they had hardly had a chance to begin.

Nate could hardly believe what had happened as he rode the Palace elevator down, down, down to the bottom floor. Serena van der Woodsen wasn't in love with him. For all her teary-eyed glances and silent declarations, she really didn't love him. And he couldn't bear the thought of it. He hailed a taxi, and looked out at the city as he rode toward the little French restaurant at 1 Central Park West where he was meeting Blair. The city looked empty now that Serena's love was gone. It had been the only constant thing throughout his childhood, his and Serena's silent love for each other. Blair's ridiculous adoration, Chuck's unpredictable and in the end worthless friendship, his parents' problems, had all been all right because he head known, deep down inside them that he had Serena. But now that that was gone, nothing felt ok anymore.

He paid the driver and stepped out onto the curb. It was time to go meet Blair. He didn't know what he was going to say to her, how he was going to explain anything, but he knew that whatever happened, he was going to be unhappy. He walked into the restaurant and then he saw her. Blair Waldorf. His feelings for her were so complicated that even looking at her was a trial. She was beautiful, fragile, uncertain. He didn't want to hurt her, but her didn't want to be with her either. She saw him looking at her, sitting alone, and she smiled.

He walked toward her and she stood up. She looked put together, immaculately dressed and made-up, her hair done beautifully. She represented everything that Serena didn't- polish, preparation, politeness. "Nate," she said warmly. "I thought you'd never come." He knew that this had all been rehearsed, that it was a movie in her mind, in which he would apologize profusely and then settle down for a candle-lit dinner with her. But he also knew that this was one time that he wasn't going to play her perfect leading man.

"I'm sorry I'm late, Blair, but I've been thinking a lot. And I think we really need to talk about…a lot of things."

Her smile wavered only briefly. "Of course. Sit down and we'll discuss everything over dinner."

He sat down in the soft chair, and stared at his already filled wine glass. So Blair had already ordered, even his drink. What he really needed right now was hard alcohol, and he had a feeling that Pinot Noir wasn't going to do the trick.

Blair's voice cut into her thoughts. "Where were you today? I missed you." She smiled sweetly, wondering why his eyes weren't all over her. He actually looked a little lost, a touch sad. That was odd, considering this was a celebration of their getting back together.

"That's actually what I wanted to talk to you about," Nate said hesitantly. It was probably best if he just said it. If he told the whole story, start to finish. "I was- last night I got drunk."

Blair's smile was gone now. She knew that Nate couldn't handle alcohol all that well, which was why she had ordered him a glass of fine red wine rather than letting him drink too many vodkas. But where was he going with this?

"Well, I was at the Palace, and I remember seeing Serena's face before I passed out. I was in her suite when I woke up," Nate admitted. He didn't like how Blair's eyes were getting wider and more hurt with each detail. "But I swear it, Blair. I didn't even kiss her. Last night, I mean."

Blair was incredulous. So Serena had seen Nate last night, and she hadn't told her? Then something occurred to her. He had just promised that he hadn't kissed her _last night_. But when else could he have kissed her? "So you didn't kiss her last night but you kissed her another time?"

Nate was shocked by how quickly she was catching on. Leave it to Blair to catch little details. "Well, I was getting to that. So I ran to school, and I was just coming in when I heard you and Serena talking. And I- I heard what she said about…not being in love with me and…I followed her when she ran," Nate mumbled. This was starting to hurt. He didn't want to talk about this afternoon. He didn't want to talk about Serena at all. The pain was too fresh.

Blair felt like she had been punched. "So you two cut class together and you…?"

"I kissed her. And she kissed me back. But she ran away, because she…she doesn't love me," Nate said. Saying it out loud made it so final.

Blair was silent, a million thoughts running through her head. It had all been true, then. Serena and Nate had spent the afternoon together, kissing, maybe doing more. Why did this always happen? She knew the answer, though. She looked up at Nate. "She does," Blair whispered softly. "She loves you, and you…love her, don't you?"

Nate was taken aback. "I love her, but she told me to leave and never come back." The words hung in the air, and he felt his eyes stinging.

Blair shook her head. "She loves you," she said softly. "She always has." Blair was astonished by her own words. Why was she essentially giving up the one guy who could have made her life better, who could have healed her wounds. She then realized, looking at him, that he had never been the guy to make her feel better. He had always been so caught up in his own problems that he had barely looked at hers. Hell, he hadn't even known that she was bulimic. "Nate," she continued. This wasn't going to be easy, but she had to do it. "You're not in love with me, and you never have been, so I think that it's better if we just ended it now before we get hurt."

Nate looked up, astonished. That was the most un-Blairlike thing she had ever said. "Thanks, Blair. Thanks for everything."

She would have told him he was welcome, or thanked him for everything he had done for her all those years (which really hadn't been much), but she was Blair Waldorf, and she was a bitch. "I still expect you to pay for dinner," she said commandingly, and she laughed as Nate slowly began to smile at her. A friendly smile, one he had never bestowed on her.

"But of course, Madamoiselle," he said, forgetting for one minute everything that had happened at the Palace. He was here with his friend Blair Waldorf, and he was almost slightly happy.

Hey there Upper-East-Siders,

Are Queen **B **and her not-always-loyal king ruling again? Time will only tell, but my sources say that **B **and **N** were having dinner together at an adorable French restaurant tonight. No kissy moments, though- they were seen having a quiet conversation with the occasional soft peal of laughter. So what do you think? Couple or not? My vote's on the NO, because an unhappy **N **was seen departing from **S**'s suite earlier today. What is it with them anyway? It's always like, hook-up, cry, and then run away. Speaking of running away, I've heard reports that **C** is coming back to town. Don't get your hopes up, girls. I don't mean Chuck Bass. I mean **Carter Baizen**_**, **_**S**'s drinking companion and sometime paramour. This should be interesting. But then, it always is with me in town.

X.O.X.O,

Gossip Girl


	7. Chapter 7

Hey There Upper-East-Siders,

Hey There Upper-East-Siders,

Are Queen **B **and her not-always-loyal king ruling again? Time will only tell, but my sources say that **B **and **N** were having dinner together at an adorable French restaurant tonight. No kissy moments, though- they were seen having a quiet conversation with the occasional soft peal of laughter. So what do you think? Couple or not? My vote's on the NO, because an unhappy **N **was seen departing from **S**'s suite earlier today. What is it with them anyway? It's always like, hook-up, cry, and then run away. Speaking of running away, I've heard reports that **C** is coming back to town. Don't get your hopes up, girls. I don't mean Chuck Bass. I mean **Carter Baizen**_**, **_**S**'s drinking companion and sometime paramour. This should be interesting. But then, it always is with me in town.

X.O.X.O,

Gossip Girl

Serena flipped open her phone as it vibrated. It looked like a routine text from Gossip Girl, but as she read it, her heart began to speed up. Nate and Blair's dinner sounded from this account to have been almost friendly, something Blair would never have let him get away with…could they have- ended it? But then she reminded herself that she didn't care. Her and Nate were over. Forever. She scanned through the part about her and Nate, trying not to think too much about what had happened. But then her eyes fell on the words **Carter Baizen**, and she felt her mouth open slightly. He was back. Carter. Was back. She closed her eyes, remembering.

_Flashback:_

_A dusty room, with light filtering in through tapestries that hung like death from the ceilings. Shadows floated aimlessly about the room, but what she noticed most were the dust motes that drifted through the air, lit up ethereally. They were dancing toward some invisible point in space or time, as though something was pulling them. The floor was cold and hard, mahogany panels. The ceiling was the same, but there was a large crack in it. Serena sat on the edge of the bed, wondering why she was here, why she had bothered to come to Newport with him. It wasn't like either of them cared about each other. That was what she thought every single time the two of them were alone together, every single time they went through this ritual of silence and drinking and hard sex and intense conversation. She was holding a glass in her hand, filled with something he had mixed for her himself. He was watching her intently as she twirled it around in her hands. _

_He walked over to where she was sitting on the bed and stood over her. She looked up at him, his cold and expectant gaze, and she put the glass down on the floor. As he came down hard on top of her, her foot knocked over the glass and it shattered. She stared at the pieces the whole time, examining the shadows they cast on the floor. She knew from experience that he was looking at the patterns on the curtain. Neither of them wanted to look at each other, because neither could stand how empty the other's gaze was. Serena took it as it came, just as she always had, answering his hard thrusts with undulations of her body, but even as they became tangled up in one another, they didn't dare to look. _

_When it was over, Serena fell back on the headboard of this huge bed. It was soft and spacious, perfect for an afternoon tyrst with a forbidden lover. But Carter wasn't her lover. "Whoever made this bed intended it for love, didn't they?" she asked, her voice indifferent._

"_They probably did," Carter replied, propping himself up with his elbows. _

_There was a long pause then. They were accustomed to those pauses, It was not that they had nothing to say, but that what they had to say had been said before. They had said everything worth saying in beds all over New York, in hotels in Paris, bars in Italy, estates in New England, beaches in the Hamptons, and dark corners in places no one had ever been before. Still, they kept talking, because there was nothing else to do._

"_So how many has it been this week, Carter?" Serena asked, just as she always did._

"_Five. Two blondes, a redhead, and two whose hair I didn't even notice. And then you," Carter stated, something like pain in his voice. "And you?"_

"_Six guys, all drunk out of their minds, just like me. Plus you." They never included each other in their counts of how many they had slept with, because they slept with each other out of necessity rather than desire._

_Carter slammed his fist against the wood on the side of the bed. "We're so fucked up, aren't we? Why do we keep going through this hell, week after week, place after place?"_

_She averted her eyes, because she didn't want to see emotion on his face. The whole point of being with him was so that she wouldn't have to deal with emotion. "Because we have to. Because we're the only two people who understand each other."_

_But it wasn't true, really. They didn't understand each other any better than anyone understood them, and they both knew it. They were just twisted and crazy because of all the pain they'd been through, and the only way to make it stop was to keep fucking each other. _

"_One day this'll stop, Serena. We hate each other. And every fucking week I'm here with you, imagining it's her. Or trying to imagine."_

"_You think it's any easier for me? You're no Nate, and neither are the other guys, but at least you have no expectations. They look at me with passion and love and whisper softly in my ear. They want me to be theirs. You understand that I just need the sex, that I don't care one bit about you. And I know the same thing about you. Think of this as something of convenience. I can't have him and you can't have her. So we can have sex and wallow in our twisted pain together," Serena said softly. She didn't full understand why her and Carter did this, but that was the best explanation she could come up with. Carter was her distraction, and she was his._

"_Nate's in love with you and you know it. So why do you stay away? At least you could have him if you tried. She'll never want me, ever." Carter closed his eyes. It was hard to talk about her. She was so different from Serena, her delicacy and vulnerability. Serena was all strength and bravery._

_Serena shook her head. "Because she's in love with him, and I can't take him away. That why I'm with you, remember? Because we know that if we weren't here, I would be making love to Nate and you would be with Blair."_

_He flinched a little at her name, because he never spoke it himself. To him, she was just Her. Beautiful and untouched, She was a divine miracle. So different from Serena, who was all mistakes and flaws that came together to form perfection. Blair was as pure as Serena was screwed up. "What's wrong with that plan?"_

"_You know as well as I do that that's not how things are meant to be. Come on, fuck me again and the pain'll go away," Serena said falling back on the bed, knowing even as his hands crawled up and down her body that nothing would ever make the pain of two loveless people go away. But at least they could distract each other. For now._

Serena's throat was still dry as she thought back on all the times her and Carter had tried to make the pain of being in love with Blair and Nate go away. It had been stupid, their twisted conception of life and love, but it had been no stupider than anything else that had happened. But then there was that night in Santorini, that little Greek island where it had ended, just a week before the Shepard Wedding,

_It had begun as usual, with the two of them drinking quietly, with each other but still utterly alone. But then he had turned to look at her, really look at her for the first time. And he had wondered how he had never seen the way her eyes got large when she took a sip of brandy, or the way fingers curled delicately around the glass. And he wondered why he had never looked at the darker streaks in her pale hair. There was so much about Serena he had never seen. And as he watched her quietly sipping her brandy, he forgot about Blair Waldorf. He forgot about purity and miracles and wanted for once in his life something he could have._

_He put down his glass and looked at her. "Are you ready?"_

_She looked up at him, surprised, because he never spoke before sex. There was something in his eyes now, something that she had seen before in the eyes of many men before they went to bed with her. It was like a light, burning and throbbing. She recognized it as desire. And she felt her stomach drop because she realized that Carter wanted her when all that she wanted was not to be wanted. It made no sense even in her mind, what she wanted, but it was as though she wanted one man to look at her with indifference, one man beside Nate Archibald who could resist her charm. And Carter had been the one who had fucked her coldly, who had shown her in every way the emptiness of his heart, but he too had fallen for her. She nodded slightly, unsure of what else today._

_He yanked her toward the bed, his hands moving hungrily up and down her, his eyes all over her. She couldn't understand it, why all of a sudden he wanted her. She tried to focus on the floor, as she always did, but he was distracted her. He was talking, softly and slowly, his voice a husky whisper. "I'm over her…Tonight, I noticed something new. It was like…fire inside of you. And I want you. Not Blair. I want you." He quickened his actions, pulling her scant clothes from her body, and suddenly Serena felt heat. The one thing she had never felt when Carter and her had done it before was the hot sensation that love-making usually entailed. And she knew then that what had been between her and Carter, the one twisted, empty distraction from her love for Nate, was over._

_In the morning she left, for good. She left because she knew that he had fallen for her and that she would never fall for him. And she left because there was no way for her to make her stop thinking about her unrequited love for Nate Archibald any longer,_

A week later she and Nate had made love, really and truly, kissing and caressing and losing it in a moment of careless care for one another. And she hadn't seen Carter again until the night of the debutante ball a year later when he had escorted her. He had been pleasant and kind to her, two things that he had never been in the past, and there had been one moment, after Nate had punched him out when he had referred to what had happened at Santorini. But he had let it lie, although she could still see the passion burning behind his eyes, and the next week he had flown back to Lyon or Newport or wherever the hell he spent his time these days. But Carter was back, and Serena knew that that meant opening up the black hole that was her past once again. She also knew that that wasn't going to be pleasant.


	8. Chapter 8

Dan checked on Gossip Girl, as he always did nowadays

Dan checked on Gossip Girl, as he always did nowadays. He was hardly surprised to see that Nate had been seen leaving Serena's apartment. There was definitely something between those two. What surprised him was how little it hurt. Him and Serena had been having problems for a while now, and even during their passionate afternoon the previous weekend something hadn't felt quite perfect. He continued reading the Gossip Girl post, noting that that guy Nate had punched at the ball was back. Nothing else seemed of interest, except the fact that Blair and Nate's dinner had been…platonic? He was surprised at how happy he was at this. He knew that he should have wanted Nate with Blair so that he would keep his hands off Serena, but somehow he felt like Nate was totally wrong for Blair. Like he didn't appreciate her or something. It was weird, the way he felt about Blair all of a sudden. He felt like he had to protect her; she was so fragile and she seemed like she would break any second. It was crazy. But he did know one thing. It was time to end it with Serena, and end it for good. She still had feelings for Nate, and it was pretty obvious. And he was maybe, possibly sort of developing feelings for Blair Waldorf.

He reached for his phone, unable to believe what he was about to do. The rings sounded far away, and so did her voice when she picked up. "Hello?"

"Hey, Serena it's me," he said, a little nervous. It was almost like asking her out all over again. Only this time he was worried about her feelings, not his. She really was a great girl- beautiful and fun and sexy. But they weren't right for each other.

"Hey, Dan this really isn't a great time…Could I call you back?" Serena said, sounding stressed.

"Serena, this can't wait," he said, his words beginning to rush out. "It's just that, ever since…I don't know, ever since spring break things have been different." He paused.

"Ok…" she said, an invitation for him to elaborate.

"And I just think that it might be time for me- for you and I- for us to end this, because it's pretty obvious that neither or us are happy right now," he blurted out, abandoning his fancy grammar and famous sarcasm in his attempt to make her understand.

There was silence on the other line for a moment, and Dan feared her anger and her tears. He didn't want to break her heart. But then he thought of Blair Waldorf's eyes and Nate Archibald and his courage returned. "Serena?"

"Oh, yeah. I agree, Dan. Things are complicated. So yeah, I think this is the best thing. But I really have to go, see you, bye," Serena said in a rush of words, and Dan suddenly wondered if she'd really been paying attention. Did this mean anything to her? Did he mean anything to her? He realized that he didn't, and probably hadn't for a long time. The idea that his first real relationship had been a lie, some kind of rebound from a pretty boy who had been an important figure in her past made his angry.

"Bye," he said angrily and slammed down the phone. Yes, things were definitely better this way. He sat for what seemed like an hour, wondering how Serena could never have cared about him. It was so strange, that his dream girl and him were over. He knew he had ended it, but he had expected protests and explanations and sorting out of everything that had gone wrong, but it had been nothing like that. It was had just…ended. Like there had been nothing between them, no love or sex or happy memories. Him and Serena van der Woodsen were done. She was single. He was single. Suddenly, something occurred to him. He was single, and from what he read on Gossip Girl, it appeared that Blair Waldorf was single too. Two single people, one large city, so much to say and do. He shook his head at the insanity of his thoughts. As if Blair Waldorf wanted anything to do with Dan Humphrey.

In fact, in quite a different part of the city, Blair Waldorf was thinking oddly similar thoughts. She was thinking about the guys in her life, from Nate, who had been charming but unreliable, to Chuck, who had been exciting and steamy but even more unreliable. There had never been a reliable, steady guy who she could depend on in her life. Did she even know any? Dan Humphrey was reliable, she thought. He might have been form Brooklyn, and he might have hated her, but if they were dating, he would never let her down. _Ew, Blair_, she thought, mentally slapping herself. He's your best friend's boyfriend, even if she isn't in love with him anymore. And anyhow, he's from _Brooklyn_.

Didn't anyone tell you, Blair? Marc Jacobs just opened a boutique in Brooklyn. Looks like the other side of the bridge is catching up with you. If anyone can catch up with Blair Waldorf, that is.

Blair's meditations were interrupted by the vibration of her cell phone. It was Serena. She rushed to pick it up, ready to tell her bff all the details of her non-date with Nate. "Serena?"

"Hey, Blair," Serena replied, and Blair could tell from the tone of her voice that she was stressed out and confused.

"What's wrong?" Blair asked, genuinely concerned. She had intended to torture Serena a bit for kissing Nate, but she instantly abandoned these plans when she heard the tone of Serena's voice.

"It's just that everything's kind of happening at once," Serena sighed. She didn't really know how to tell Blair about everything that had happened. But she had to do it, because she knew better than anyone that secrets always came out in the end, and they always hurt. Still, there was nothing wrong with delaying. "But enough about me. How was your date with…Nate?" It hurt to day his name.

Blair laughed slightly. "Serena, if this is your confession call to me, it's ok. Nate told me everything, and we decided that we're probably better off as friends. We've never been happy together, you know. And I don't need a guy like that."

Serena felt the breath sucked out of her. Nate and Blair weren't together and Blair didn't mind? And Nate had told Blair _everything_? "So you and Nate…aren't together then?"

Blair snickered. "I'm tired of being with someone who's in love with you, Serena. You're welcome to him now. Unless you're still trying to force yourself to love Dan."

For a minute, Serena was lost in bliss. So Blair knew. There would be no explanations or tears. And she was _offering_ Nate to her! It was unbelievable. Serena's moment of happiness ended when she remembered the previous night. "Blair, Nate and I aren't going to get together, now or ever. Whatever was between us ended yesterday."

"So I heard," Blair said. "You told him to leave?"

Suddenly tears began to well up in Serena's throat. "And he said if he left he wasn't coming back." She began to cry. "I…wanted him to…be with you…and he and I, if we were supposed to happen…we would have happened…you know?" She gasped as sobs began to rack her body. "And now Dan and I are over, which is a good thing I guess, but Carter's back and I don't know what to do because I'm not in love with him but he's in love with me and I can't explain it but all I want is Nate and we're so screwed up that it's never going to happen between us, and what have I done?" Serena's breaths quickened as her sobs became louder and louder,

Blair could barely process what was happening. Dan and Serena were over? Not that that was unexpected. But wow. Then her mind jumped back to the word Carter, and her breath caught in her throat. "Don't cry, Serena, it's ok. But did you say that Carter was back? As in Carter Baizen?" She prayed that she had misheard.

The sobs on the other line were her confirmation. Oh God. "Serena if you want Nate then all you have to do is tell him that. He's always been in love with you." Her mind was wandering from the conversation, though, wandering in the general direction of Carter Baizen.

She could hear Serena's breaths growing more and more even. "It's not like that, Blair, but I wish it were. I ruined things so many times that I can't go crawling back to him now. I just think maybe I need some time to myself. I'm just scared of what will happen when Carter comes back, you know," Serena said sadly.

"Me too," Blair murmured softly. "But everything will be all right." She said it more to herself than Serena.

"Thanks B, for everything," Serena said, realizing that there was nothing more Blair could say to ease her pain. She had turned Nate down so many times that she knew it would be pure torture and insanity to turn to him now and ask her to take him back. She wasn't even sure that was what she had wanted. Maybe her and Nate were in the past. It was best just to try to move on.

"No problem," Blair said distractedly. "Call me if anything comes up."

But Blair wasn't thinking about Serena. She was already back in another time and another place, remembering.

_She hadn't had much to drink, but unlike Serena she wasn't good at holding her liquor. Everything appeared a little blurred around the edges, and it was hard to distinguish one shape from the next. She had come outside for air, because the party had gotten a little bit wild for her. Sometimes she came out here like this, when she was half-drunk, just to smoke cigarettes and think drunk thoughts and be alone. She thought she was alone, anyway._

_She saw what appeared to be a shadow behind her, and she turned, her movements unsteady. She saw a half-obscured face in the shadows behind her, and two eyes biting intensely into her own. "Carter?" she asked, surprised. Carter Baizen was a few years her senior, suave and dark and wild. He was Serena's type of boy, a partier. What was he doing out here? "What are you doing up here?"_

_His voice was scathing, burning. "I followed you."_

_She laughed a little, because this must be an act. Carter wasn't this intense or cold or hot or whatever the hell he was. "Are you drunk?" she slurred._

"_No, but you are," he stated blandly. He took a few steps toward her. "Can you just tell me once and for all what a girl like you sees in a boy like Nate Archibald?" His lips sneered around Nate's name, as though he was something disgusting, worthy of his contempt._

_Blair was taken aback. "You are drunk Carter." She giggled a little. It was kind of funny, being up here with a drunk boy, talking. It made her feel like Serena. It made her feel- oh what was the word?- dangerous? Naughty? No. It made her feel wild and free and wonderful. "But if you really want to know," Blair said teasingly, "I like the way Nate kisses me."_

_She remembered the feeling of his hands as they grabbed her waist. They hadn't been rough at all. They had been smooth, smooth as they touched the skin between her top and her skirt. But she had been shocked all the same when he had yanked her, and she tried to fight against his touch. She failed, and when she looked up at him, he had kissed her. Harder than Nate had ever kissed her, harder than anyone had ever kissed her. He had pushed her up against the wall where she had been leaning a second, ago and all Blair could think about was how different he tasted than Nate. Nate always tasted like pot and salt and summer, but Carter was like English leather and liquor and something a little more dangerous. He pulled away swiftly. "Do you like the way he kisses you now?"_

_Suddenly Blair had felt sick and weak and dizzy. Why was this happening? Where was Serena and where was Nate? She answered in a small voice. "I like it better than the way you kiss me." _

_He had relinquished his hold on her then, his hands falling like dead leaves to his sides. Blair slunk back, afraid. She was about to run, but when she looked up into his eyes, she saw pain rather than anger. "You're drunk, Carter," she said steadily, and walked away._

She had heard later that he had fallen for Serena, that they had had a wild night somewhere in Italy or Greece and that in the morning she had pulled a Serena and jumped the next boat for home. Then he had taken off to go around the world, under the pretense of self-discovery, although everyone knew it was because he couldn't stand to be in New York when Serena wasn't in love with him. But Blair had never forgotten that kiss, the way it had felt to be wanted like that. The closest anyone had ever come to making her feel that wanted was Chuck Bass in the back of his father's limo. But he hadn't cared. He had felt anger when she had left him rather than pain. Out of everyone, Carter had wanted her the most, but in the end, he too had fallen for Serena. What Blair Waldorf didn't know was that at that very moment someone was standing outside her apartment building, waiting and wondering whether to go up. What she didn't know was that that person wanted her as much as Carter had that night, maybe even more. And that that person had chosen her over Serena van der Woodsen, the only person ever to have done so. But even if she had gone over to her window and looked out to see Dan Humphrey standing on her doorstep, would she have wanted him too? Love can be a mysterious thing, now can't it?

Lilly reminded Serena that the annual symphony gala was that night, and that she would need to be ready by 6:00. Serena groaned. The last thing she wanted to do was go to a party where Nate and Blair and probably Carter would be there to create all the drama that she wanted to escape right now. But in the Upper East Side, a party is a party, and even on days when you can barely get yourself out of bed, attending them is the number one priority. So Serena found herself pulling on the black and white gown that she had bought for the occasion and strapping on her Christian Louboutin shoes. She was brushing out her gold tresses when she saw that she had one next text. She opened it quickly, not knowing what to expect. Could it be from Nate? Was he extending the olive branch so soon? Her heart fell when she saw what it read.

**hey s it's carter. u probably heard that i was back in ny. ill be at the symphony thing tonight and i really want to talk to you. save a dance for me?**

Great. Just great. She tried to thank of how to respond to his text without crushing him. She knew what Carter was like when he was in love; he was practically self-destructing.

**see you there. not really in a dancing mood but we should talk.**

Serena had a sinking feeling that this was going to be one evening that she qould never forget- an not for a good reason.


	9. Chapter 9

Blair was at the ball five minutes early, just as she always was

Blair was at the ball five minutes early, just as she always was. She looked stunning in a short white Marc Jacobs shift and high, high heels. She grabbed a glass of champagne from a passing waiter and surveyed the scene in front of her. The adults were in the back of the room, discussing the wonders of having the symphony in New York. As if anybody gave a fuck about the symphony. Or about the adults, for that matter. It was them that mattered, the hot, young, rich teenagers who _were_ the present and the future. And everyone knew it. The music, Blair noted with satisfaction was not some schmaltzy Cole Porter song or dull concerto. It was current and lively, upbeat and fresh. All who were attending looked wonderful, classy, and well-dressed. Not many were there yet, but the dancing had already begun. It was the perfect night for a party, the perfect night for starting over after Nate. Blair eyes wandered aimlessly around the room, in search of a boy who might become her next Prince Charming, her leading man and lover in life. Her eyes flitted from boy to boy, none of whom seemed satisfactory, where her gaze landed on him. She drew a short breath when his eyes looked up at her. She felt nauseous, queasy, excited. Carter Baizen was here.

Carter was standing alone in the court, smoking a cigarette. The party was the kind he had always attended in the old days and never enjoyed. He had been all around the world for the past year, in search of something that he could get enjoyment out of. He had climbed mountains and built houses and hitchhiked and dined in fancy restaurants, but nothing made him happy. There was nothing in the world that he wanted anymore. The truth was, there were only two things in the world that he had ever really wanted. The first had been Blair Waldorf, society beauty, girlfriend of Nathaniel Archibald. Nathaniel. What are ironic and pathetic name. He had kept Blair from him throughout his teenage years, when all he had wanted was to hold her in his arms. Then there had been Serena, the golden girl who he had known to be not exactly golden. Bu Nathaniel had taken her away too, and there was nothing that could take her off his mind. Not Paris or Naples or Lima or Malaysia. Everywhere he looked, there was Serena.

But when he looked up, his eyes met Blair's. She was staring at him oddly, the way he had always wanted her to look at him during their teen years. He shrugged it off. She was probably just surprised. He raised his glass of vodka at her before taking a gulp and winking at her in his sardonic way. She was pretty, but she was no Serena. He knew from experience that Serena wouldn't be here for another half an hour. She was always late, even when she tried desperately to be early. There were so many things like that about Serena, the way she tilted her head, the way she was rested her hand on her cheek…

His meditations were interrupted by a cutting voice. "Well, well, well, Carter Baizen…"

"Blair," he said, somewhat put off. When was the last time they had spoken? Oh yes, the debutante ball. All politeness and propriety. As it should be, between two indifferent acquaintances.

_Not as indifferent as you'd think, Carter. It looks like the tables have turned. And not in the way you'd like._

"It's been a while," Blair said, looking up at him with deep brown eyes. "Missed me?" She couldn't even understand her actions herself. Why was she all over him like this? It was crazy. All because of one stupid kiss in the past that she had enjoyed, she was mooning over Carter. This was worse than Nate. Still, Blair couldn't help herself. He had _wanted_ her. He could have had Serena, but he had looked at her first. That had all come to an end, but somewhere deep inside herself, hope was growing that Carter Baizen would fall for her again.

Carter was startled by Blair's sudden attention. "Of course," he said, faking his trademark devilish grin. "Where's Nat or whatever his name is?" Carter knew his name as well as anybody.

"How should I know where _Nate_ is?" Blair asked, exasperated. "And why would you want to see him? He punched you at out at Cotillion!"

"Well, haven't you guys been dating since like, kindergarten?" Carter was beginning to lose interest in this conversation. He wasn't excited to be entertaining an obviously bored or slightly drunk Blair Waldorf when he could be seeing Serena any second. He needed to collect his thoughts, not have them scared by someone whose eyes and hair were all the wrong color.

"We broke up," Blair said, frankly. "He was still in love with Serena, and she was so obviously in love with him that, well, I didn't want to stop her from being happy." It was best for him to know now, that Serena wasn't interested.

He looked up at her suddenly, and the pain in his eyes told her everything she needed to know. He didn't love her and wasn't going to. It was like she gave a shit what Carter thought, when it came down to it. But she wanted someone to love her, someone to look at her before they looked at the blonde goddess of a best friend that she had. Carter's voice was low and gruff. "You never cared so much before," he said, tipping his head back and downing his vodka and stomping on his cigarette. "Excuse me." And he was gone before she could say anything else.

Blair couldn't believe it. Carter Baizen had just totally dissed her. There was no guy in the world who loved her as much as they love Serena van der Woodsen. It was crazy and unfair. This party sucked all of a sudden. She needed to get out of there.

That was how Serena felt the moment she entered the party. It was the typical crowd, the pompous and dull adults and the attractive and dull teenagers. It was the kind of night where, if this had been last year, she would have gotten incredibly drunk and danced on the tables just to spice things up a bit. But this wasn't last year, and frankly, all she wanted was to go home and cozy up in her warm bed. Alone. That wasn't a possibility, however, because everyone was already noticing her, trapping her into this dull party with their small talk and invitations to dine and dance. Her mind wandered as her lips formed polite responses to the thousands of dull, meaningless questions everyone asked her. Fine, thank you. It really has been too long. Certainly. I'd love too. Ah, yes…Is he going to Harvard? That's wonderful. Great to see you. I've been great, thanks…

She could feel Carter's eyes on her, but she wanted to prolong the amount of time before they talked. She wasn't exactly sure what the polite response to the conversation he wanted to have would be. It certainly wasn't in the Guide to Parties and Fashionable Events on the Upper East Side. She didn't have much time to think about it, however, because she saw him walking toward her. He was handsome certainly, but his eyes were blue instead of green, and his hair was several shades too dark. He looked rough instead of polished, worldly instead of dreamy. He was so…not Nate. She excused herself from the conversation she was having and walked toward him. She was going to deal with this the best way she knew how- dive in head first and hope for the best.

They were about a foot away from each other when he spoke. "Serena," he said, and his voice cracked slightly. She was so beautiful, so ethereal and wonderful. Why was a girl like this wasted on a boy named Nathaniel?

"Hi, Carter," she said, trying to stay peppy. "Long time no see, huh?"

"That's for sure," Carter agreed, meaning it. It had been too long. He had stayed away too long, because he couldn't bear to be with her. He had found it even harder to bear being without her, though. "I'll buy you a drink." He took hold of her hand loosely, and pulled her toward the bar.

"No thanks," Serena said, taking her hand away and pretending to itch an imaginary mosquito bite on her elbow. As good as a martini would taste right now, she needed to be sober for this conversation. Things always seemed to spin out of control when she was drunk.

He raised an eyebrow at her. "Serena van der Woodsen, refusing a drink?"

"I've changed, Carter," she said, simply. "Things are different now." Of course, Serena knew that things really weren't that different. But that was beside the point. Nate had nothing to do with this.

"From what I've heard, things are exactly the same," he said, his voice lower than it should have been, and intensely passionate.

"What do you mean by that?" Serena asked. Gosh, this was kind of creepy.

"Still pining for Nate, are we?" His voice was bitter, angry. This wasn't how he had planned to have this conversation, but the vodka was beginning to take effect and so were Blair's harsh words.

"I-I don't know what you mean," Serena said, nervously. "I've been over him since…forever." She didn't sound very convincing, even to herself.

"Sure you have," Carter scoffed.

Serena suddenly saw a path she could take to get her out of this mess. "And anyway, it's not like you're over Blair."

He slammed his fist into his hand. "Damnit Serena, you know I'm not in love with Blair!" He gazed at her intently. "It's you, Serena. It's always been you, and I was crazy not to see it. I tried to fight it, Serena, I swear. You were the whole reason I left New York. Because I just couldn't stop thinking about you."

Serena stepped back a bit. "Carter…"

He wasn't going to take no for an answer, however. He walked toward her, placed his hands on her face and said softly, "Serena." He leaned in and kissed her, a year's worth of romantic passion released in one, long kiss.

Serena was too astonished to fight against his kiss. She hadn't been expecting this. Anger and pain and yelling had been what she had anticipated, but not romantic kisses. She collected herself after a minute or so and pulled away.

"Carter, I can't do this right now, I don't think I'm-"

"You don't have to say anything. Just dance with me," he said, pulling her close to him on the dance floor. "Later we can talk, but please do this for me."

She couldn't refuse, and she allowed him to pull her tightly to him. Still, she couldn't look at him. It hurt too much, that he was the wrong guy. Maybe if she closed her eyes and smiled she could picture his with lighter hair and greener eyes. Maybe she could imagine herself to a different place and a different time, where everything was so much less screwed up. Her thoughts were interrupted when her eyes flickered open and she glanced to the doorway. Standing there, stock-still was the boy she had been dreaming of. And it was evident from the look on his face that he had seen the whole thing.

She watched in horror as he walked robotically toward the bar, wanting to scream to him that it wasn't what it looked like, that things weren't what they seemed to be. She felt Carter arms growing closer and closer, suffocating her, and she forced herself to look away, to stare straight at Carter. She wanted to feel pain, to have an aching heart. She wanted to make sure that this wasn't just some sick nightmare.

Carter smiled at her. She looked like she was enjoying herself, although he saw a flicker of pain in her blue eyes. He decided to ignore it, and twirled her around and around. She forced herself to giggle, because it seemed like the Serena-like thing to do in this situation, but her laughter stopped when she saw a pretty redhead sitting next to Nate. He was looking at her and she was looking at him. Serena couldn't stand it. "Carter, do you want to go outside and talk?"

This was what Carter had been afraid of, that his perfect night with his perfect girl would end. "Serena, please. I've waited forever just to see you. Could we dance for a little while longer?"

Serena nodded, and continued to allow Carter to hold her. Still, she was watching Nate and the redhead, watching the way his arm slowly looped around her and how she turned her face up to him. At this point she didn't know how long she had been watching. It might have been three minutes, it might have been an hour. But she saw him look and her and slowly, softly, they kissed like they were the only two people in the world. And that was when Serena forced herself to look away, when her heart began to throb, and she really knew that this evening was no dream. This was reality, spinning out of her control. She looked up at Carter and drew her face close to his, not knowing what else to do. "Kiss me," she said, in her best silly seduction voice.

He obliged, but even as Carter's lips crashed against her own, she felt her eyes drawn to Nate and the redheaded girl he was kissing. What she didn't know was that he was watching her too, and that his heart was throbbing exactly as hers was.

Dan had walked for hours, feeling the cold night air against his skin. He had waited outside of Blair's apartment, wondering why she wasn't coming out, pondering over who she was with. _Stalker much?_

He was in Central Park now, his favorite place in all the city, and he could see the lights of a huge party in one of those enormous tents, twinkling. It looked like the kind of place where Blair would be, dancing and having a wonderful time. She would look beautiful, as she always did, but people would stare at Serena instead. He wasn't sure why he had ever thought Serena was prettier than Blair. Serena's eyes were just blue, and her hair was just blonde. Blair's hair was chestnut and her eyes were alive with feeling and emotion. He wandered through the park, drawn toward the large party, but he stopped dead in his tracks when he saw her.

It was Blair, of course, the girl he had been dreaming of. She was leaning against the railing the surrounded the walkways, smoking a cigarette. She looked elegant and classy, just as she always did. Dan was very anti-tobacco and politically correct, but seeing Blair blowing smoke into the night air was so beautiful and wonderful that he stopped wondering why women and men died trying to look attractive while smoking. She turned toward him, and the ember at the end of her cigarette slowly lit up bright red and then died out again. "Hello," she said softly. "Here to find Serena?"

The cold night air emboldened him. "I was looking for you."

She laughed slightly, wondering if this was a joke. "Why would you be looking for me when you could have _her_?"

"Because you're a thousand times more beautiful and wonderful and elegant and…real," he said, breathily. He hardly believed that he was saying this to her. Was this a dream?

She looked at him, surprised. Still, this wasn't exactly unwelcome. He was sort of cute, in that ragged poet sort of way, and he seemed to like her more than Serena, which was a first. "You dated Serena…"

"She is the one every guy notices first," Dan conceded. Blair looked away and sighed. As if she needed to be reminded of that. "But she's beautiful in that superficial, model way. You're mysterious and different, and you have the kind of beauty that I just couldn't stop thinking about. I know it's weird Blair, and I know we kind of are supposed to hate each other, but I think I'm starting to sort of like you."

He had her full attention now, and the corners of her mouth were slightly upturned. He was a sweetheart, really. She took a few steps toward him, and found herself planting a soft kiss on his mouth. She felt his hands slide down her back and his lips hungrily press against hers. It was a gentle kiss, though, a loving kiss. This was how it felt to be wanted, Blair thought, satisfied. And it didn't matter that he lived in Brooklyn and that he didn't wear Ralph Lauren. Because he could have had Serena, but he had wanted her instead.


	10. Chapter 10

Hey People,

Hey People,

Gossip Girl here. It's been a while hasn't it? Like...10 years? But our favorite Upper-East Siders are getting back together, and I think it's time we catch up. Time flies! Days turned into months turned into years after our favorite people left for colege and careers. Life went on, even when our princes and princesses might have kind of wished that it hadn't. They aren't 17 anymore, and it seems like they're entirely different people! Everything now is so different from how they had thought it would be (Well, not everything...but I'll get to that later). Ok, so we all remember senior year in high school, when Blair and Dan were our totally adorable It couple. They went to Yale together, graduated with honors, and continued dating through all of it. In fact, they're the whole reason that everyone's coming back to the UES! Who else is excited for their wedding? It's going to be the event of the year…I mean, come on. They're _them_. How could their wedding not be amazing? But more importantly, the guests coming to the wedding are our favorite Upper-East Side royalty. Let's take a look at the guest list, shall we?

**B**'s maid of honor will of course be Serena, her longtime best friend and supporter. Even though **S** attended Brown and became an actress/model in Paris, my sources say that they're as close as ever. Aww, how cute. You know who else is cute? **S**'s fiancé. If you're so out of it that you have no idea who I'm talking about, I mean Carter Baizen of course! Yes, their messed up relationship that began during their wild days of partying and continued through senior year has blossomed into real love. Or so it seems. And I hope you still know that on the Upper-East Side, _nothing_ is as it seems. I'll be watching closely.

And then of course there's **N**, the best man, who has always been my personal favorite Upper-East Side hottie. He too is engaged, to that redheaded girl he started dating during senior year. (Is it just me or did being a senior change, like, everything?) What was her name again? Alice? Aubrey? I never liked her, and something tells me that **N **has never been that into her either, even though they continued dating through college. It's just a hunch, but why is **N** _always_ at that spot in the park where he and **S** used to hang out? Why did they both meet the people they're planning to marry at the same party? Why did the two of them continue avoiding each other even after senior year? Something tells me that it's not quite over for **N** and **S**, because when has it ever been over for them? And honestly, even though **C** is one hot piece of work, he doesn't quite live up to my favorite brooding, gorgeous prepster. Well, **N** and **S** can't avoid each other forever, considering the fact that they are best man and maid of honor. This will be one interesting evening! And as for me, I plan to enjoy every bit of juicy drama that unfolds. Because the drama on the UES never really ends, does it?

See you there (if you made the exclusive guest list, of course),

Gossip Girl

Serena's phone bleeped, and she expected that it was a text from Carter. It had been ten years since high school, and she still hadn't quite stopped hoping that the text was from Nate instead. To her surprise, it was from quite a different source. It was from Gossip Girl, the anonymous blogger who had made their teenage lives hell. It was almost funny that after all these years she was sending them another message. It was a long one too! She read through it and laughed slightly at the beginning. Her laughter faded, however, when she read about Nate. This was so not remotely funny. But did he really still hang around the place where they had first kissed in eighth grade? It would have been kind of cute if her whole life hadn't been so tragic. She and Carter had kept up their lie of a relationship on and off for ten years. Every now and then she had found it inside of her to kick him out of her Parisian apartment, and she would be alone for a while. But Carter always found some incredibly romantic way to win her over again, and she had always been a sucker for things like that. So when he had shown up on her doorstep four months after she had "ended it for good," holding the most beautiful Harry Winston diamond she had ever seen and begging her to marry him, rejecting his wasn't really an option for her. Sure, he'd asked her about marriage before, but she had always put it off and he had never pushed her for fear of losing her love. It would have torn him apart to learn that her love wasn't even his to lose.

Serena hadn't really seen Nate since their high school graduation, and even before that they hadn't been seeing much of each other. Sure, they still ran into each other at the occasional party when she was in New York or something, but it was always incredibly formal and awkward. Time had never really been a force in changing their relationship, and it certainly hadn't decreased the weirdness that had developed during senior year. The night after the Black and White Symphony Ball, they had both begun to date their future fiancés. Nate and that gorgeous redhead, Audrey, had become the golden couple. She and Carter had faked the perfect relationship, so people had believed that there had actually been three shining couples. Blair and Dan, unexpectedly perfect for each other. Nate and Audrey, mellow, gorgeous, and completely in love. Serena and Carter, the reformed wild ones who had come to realize that their fiery temperaments and sheer joyfulness made them a great match for each other. That was how people saw them, in high school and ten years later.

It was true about Blair and Dan. Everyone had been shocked when they'd hooked up during their last year of high school. But people soon realized how good they were for each other. Blair stopped obsessing over her popularity, and had refrained from acting like she was PMSing every day of the month. Ironically, this had led to her restoration as Constance Billard's Queen B. And Dan had been her perfect king. He had given up his pretentious, judgmental airs, and had seemed so happy and fulfilled that everyone shrugged off the fact that he had once been an anonymous loser who never got invited to parties. Serena smiled at the thought of their sweet, romantic relationship. At least they were two people who knew how to achieve happiness.

Serena didn't know whether Nate and Audrey were really happy together. She had seen the way they looked at each other (because she had been watching). She had heard rumors about the sweet things he did for each other (because she had been listening). But something made her believe that it was all as fake as her love for Carter, Maybe it was just because she wanted it to be that way, but it seemed like every time she saw Nate (which was not very often and never on purpose) his eyes still smoldered with repressed feelings for her.

But as Serena walked up 5th Avenue, on her way to Blair and Dan's rehearsal dinner, she thought to herself that what had happened had happened and what hadn't happened hadn't happened. Even if Nate still harbored some little teenage crush on her, they had both moved on with their lives, be it for better or for worse. Seeing him would be unavoidable, being his friend again would be impossible, but moving on was something she could do.

_Sure, Serena. You haven't been able to get over it for ten years, and you expect to just move on now? _

The wedding was being held in Central Park, and although it wasn't the traditional wedding that Blair had expected to have, it was perfect in its own sweet way. And it wasn't as though it wasn't going to be wonderful. It was the event of the season, and everything was perfect, even at the rehearsal dinner. Blair surveyed the scene with pride. Everyone was here and ready to go, except Serena, which was no surprise. Serena was still always late. And it was all right, because Blair needed to concentrate. This was one thing that did have to be perfect in her life. And she planned on making it that way. She had the perfect boy, the perfect best friends, the perfect decorations. Even though she had long ago given up on her quest for absolute perfection, she was taking it up again with this wedding. Dan didn't understand it, really, but that was all right too. He would understand it the next day when he walked up the aisle with her.

Blair smiled at the sight of Serena rushing into the wedding, her cheeks pink from exertion and her hair completely messed up. She watched with a slightly furrowed brow as Carter, who had been there right on time, walked over to Serena and kissed her on the lips. Even though it had been happening for ten years, she had never really gotten used to the whole Serena and Carter thing. It was the same with Nate and Audrey. Both couples were gorgeous and appeared outwardly happy. But it had just never seemed _real_to her. She was best friends with both Nate and Serena still, and she could tell that something wasn't quite right. Whenever she pushed them about what it was, she got the same answer.

A tight smile and an, "I'm fine, really."

When anybody says that, you know they're not fine. And Blair knew better than anybody that Serena and Nate were not fine. They still had so many issues to work out and Blair secretly sort of hoped that they could do it at this wedding so that the three of them could become close again. Blair too had seen the Gossip Girl text, and she was pretty sure that GG wasn't too far off the mark with this one.

_As if she ever is._

Blair just hoped that no one would get hurt, or worse, ruin her perfect wedding. She walked over to Serena, who was talking to one of their old friends. When S saw her, she immediately broke off the conversation and enveloped her in a smothering hug. "Blair! I'm so sorry I'm late, but I decided to walk and I lost track of time. I wandered around the city. God, I've missed it here. I think Carter and I are planning to move back sometime soon. It's true what they say, you know? You can never really escape New York. You look great, by the way. As you always do. I forgot to tell you…"

As Serena rambled on, Blair looked around at the guests who were watching her expectantly. Her eyes paused on Nate, and as she suspected, he wasn't looking at her. He had never really looked at her when Serena was in the room. She could see the intensity of his gaze even from here, confirming all of her suspicions. This would definitely be an interesting occasion.

Nate had been waiting for Serena to arrive. He missed her, the way she smiled and laughed and looked. It was sad that even ten years after they had graduated from high school, they were still running away from each other. They were engaged now, for God's sake. He had a gorgeous fiancée, the only girl he could ever imagine settling down to marry. Well, not the only girl…But Audrey was as close to perfect as he could get when he couldn't have Serena. That wasn't to say that he didn't sometimes cast a forlorn glance in Serena's direction or dream of how things could have been between them. But mostly he just wished he could have her friendship back. He wished that things weren't so supremely screwed up, that they could just act and be the way they wanted to be.

As he watched her embracing Carter, a long-dormant flare of jealousy and pain erupted inside him. It passed when he saw Serena and Blair hugging and chatting as they always had. It was so sweet that the two of them were still best friends even now that Serena was a high fashion model in Paris and Blair was a successful businesswoman in New York. He wished that Serena and him had stayed so close. Suddenly something occurred to him. It wasn't too late. He could approach her now and talk to her. They could make things better.

As though he were in a dream, he found himself walking toward her, to the place where Blair had recently left her standing. She looked stunning in her navy chiffon dress and strappy silver heels. Almost guiltily, he looked around for Audrey, wondering where she could have gone. He caught her gaze and flashed her a little smile. It was hard for her, he knew, because she had never really liked the Upper East Side. She did her best though, and was currently talking to some artist. She waved at him slightly, and Nate continued to walk toward Serena, the girl of his teenage fantasies and adult desires.

_Yes, it's true that some things have definitely changed. But there are some things that will always stay the same, right?_

Serena saw Nate walking toward her, and felt a little flutter in her stomach. She wondered what he could want. She pretended not to notice, but she jumped a little at the sound of his deep, resonating voice. "Hey, Serena."

She turned to him and gazed up into his intense green eyes. She heard the tightness of her own voice as she said, "Nate, it's been a while."

He looked down at her, her beauty untouched by age. If anything, she had grown into her beauty. "Yeah." It wasn't the best reply, but he honestly didn't know what else to say.

The conversation lapsed into silence, and they both felt the strangeness of this. It was how it had felt after Serena had come back from boarding school, when she had been dating Dan and he had been stuck with Blair. Finally, Nate found it in himself to speak. "Why is everything this fucked up? Why can't things just go back to how they used to be? You know, when we were kids and we didn't have such messed up feelings?"

Her navy eyes widened at his honesty. She had a weird sense of de-ja vu, as though this had happened many times to her before. This entreaty for real friendship from Nate was not unfamiliar, and nor was the confused way she felt when he asked her to try to put the past aside. "I don't know, Nate," she murmured. "We aren't 17 anymore."

"I know that. And that's why I want to make this better. I don't expect anything from you, Serena. Never have and never will. I just wish think that it's been a while, you know. That maybe this could really be our second chance," Nate blurted out. He knew they never had really been friends, but there was no problem trying now.

Serena looked up at him. "When never had a first chance."

"Now we do," Nate replied, earnestly.

They stared at each other for a few silence seconds, reaching a tacit understanding that it was time to put the past in the past. But something inside Serena cracked as she looked into his evergreen-colored eyes. It was as though part of her 17-year-old self was rebelling against the lie she was living. She felt tears well up in her navy eyes, and she turned away from Nate for what seemed like the thousandth time. She was always the one turning away or running away, because she was the one who was desperately afraid of his love.

Nate saw Serena break down into tears and he reached for her hand to comfort her. "It's ok, Serena. It's ok."

She shook her head silently. "We can't do this Nate. I know I'll only fall in love with you again. And I don't want my whole world to be turned upside down. Things were going pretty well, you know. I found someone to love, and we have something that means something, you know. It's a relationship. Ten years of love and hardship don't just go away because you come back into my life."

Nate pulled her closer, not worrying about who would see. "I'm not asking you to put away those ten years. All I'm asking you for is this night. This night to see if we can really go back to the way we used to be. Come on, let's take a walk."

He pulled her by the hand, and before she knew it, Serena found herself following Nate Archibald again.


	11. Chapter 11

Serena and Nate walked out of the rehearsal dinner, and it wasn't long before people noticed their absence. First to notice was Carter. He had been watching Serena, as he always did when she was back in New York for fear that she would be conversing with Nate, just as she had been. He had seen Nate and her talking, and watched as he led her out of the dinner. It was what he had expected, honestly. Deep down inside, he knew that it wasn't over between Serena and Nate, but that didn't mean that he liked it. He was at loss as to how he should react. He looked around, and his eyes fell on the pretty redhead Nate was engaged to. Alice, was it? Courtney? He had never been very good with names. No matter, a plan was already forming in his mind.

Audrey Bennett was a little bit confused to see her fiancé leave Blair's rehearsal dinner with the beautiful blonde from his past. She knew all about his former relationship with Serena, because before she had had the guts to approach his at that party years ago, she had been totally stalking him. Well, not stalking…just finding out all she could about him and plotting to find a way into his life. But she had thought everything was over between him and Serena. After all, he had proposed to _her_. But Audrey had always acted mellow and low-key around Nate, so making a scene wouldn't do. She would just have to wait for him to come back. Not a very pleasant prospect, but still. She felt a tap on her shoulder and turned to see Carter Baizen, Serena's paramour, standing in front of her. He was smiling devilishly.

"Carter Baizen," he said, sticking out his hand. "I think the people we're engaged to are in love."

"Audrey Bennett," she replied, firmly gripping his hand, a hint of a smirk playing on the corners of her lips. "And what do you propose we do about it?"

Outside of the party, Nate and Serena were trying desperately to rebuild what they had once had. Whether that was defined as friendship or whether it meant something more wasn't clear to either of them anymore. But they were rambling, babbling, trying to fill the silence that loomed silently all around them.

"And so then I decided, you know, that maybe it was best if I did runway for a little while, because it was really scary to see, like, pictures of myself everywhere. But runway's totally different and I had no idea what I was getting myself into. You have to learn a whole new way of walking and acting and you can't make any mistakes or anything. It's crazy! I think I might stop modeling altogether when Carter and I…get married. I want to do something else, you know. Travel the world. Have sex in every country, as many times as I can," Serena said, laughing hollowly. She was trying to crack jokes and tell stupid stories to distract herself from the fact that Nate's eyes still burned and smoldered the way they always had.

Nate laughed too, and almost wanted to tell her that he'd have sex with her wherever she wanted, whenever she wanted. He decided against that, and instead told his own story. "Audrey wants me to work at her father's business firm, which is really successful I guess, and since I went to Dartmouth I have the education I need and everything. But the thing is, I really don't want to do that. I want to take some time off. I've been working in corporate firms since college, and I want to do something I enjoy."

Serena found herself disliking Audrey more than she already did. "You shouldn't do anything you don't want to do. But what do you wan to do?"

Nate loved how Serena understood him and never pressured him to be something he wasn't. "Well, you know I've always loved sailing. I don't know, maybe I just want to get on my boat up in Maine and take off. Go somewhere, anywhere, nowhere, the way you and Blair and I did that summer when we were 16."

Serena was silent for a second, remembering the blissful summer that they had spent on Nate's boat, Blair and her downing strawberry daquiris and singing oldies while Nate sailed and watched his two beautiful companions. That was the summer everything had changed, though. It was the summer when Nate and Serena's childhood crush had transformed into more mature desire and ambition. It had been the summer that had ended with the Shepard Wedding. But what she wouldn't give to go back to the time when they had been (mostly) innocent, when they could just do crazy and spontaneous things like that. "Yeah," she breathed softly. "I remember that summer."

Nate did too. He remembered it as the time when he and Serena had played drunken games of truth or dare while Blair slept, when he had watched the two girls go skinny-dipping in the middle of the night when they had thought he was asleep, when he had realized what it was really like to be in love. "That summer changed everything, didn't it?"

"I just wish we could go back," sighed Serena. "I wish we could undone everything we did and make it right again." She turned away, a lump forming in her throat.

Gently, Nate turned his face toward his. "Hey, don't cry. We've had our moments."

Serena felt like she was in a movie. The sun was setting softly behind them in Central Park, and they stopped walking for a minute. They looked at each other until finally they couldn't stand it any longer. Their lips came together hungrily and passionately, and even though they both knew that they would regret this later, it felt so right that neither of them could stop.

Back at the rehearsal dinner, Blair and Dan were talking softly. "Did you see Serena and Nate leave?" he asked.

"No, but I'm not surprised," Blair said, smiling. This was how it was supposed to end, this perfect love story.

"Yeah. They've always been in love," Dan agreed. "They're like, the epic love story or something."

"Hey, so are we, Cabbage Patch," she said, her hand creeping slowly down his leg.

"If you say so, Waldorf," he shot back, obviously enjoying where this was going. Their moment was interrupted, however, when Blair gasped.

Dan turned to look, and he couldn't believe it either. In front of them were Carter and Audrey, in a full-on make-out session. They both were absorbed in it and each other, as though neither Serena or Nate existed.

"Damn," Blair said, "What do you make of that?"

"I don't know if I should be mad that they're betraying our best friends or happy that they found each other, since Serena and Nate obviously don't care about them either," Dan said, perplexed.

"If I were you, I'd just be happy," Blair said. "Tomorrow's our wedding day, and it's going to be perfect."

When Audrey woke up, her toes were cold. They were sticking out from underneath the gray comforter of the small bed. She wiggled them and pulled them back underneath the soft gray comforter. Gray? Her comforter wasn't gray/ She shot up, and looked at the sleeping form beside her. That wasn't Nate. Suddenly, it all came back to her. She had decided, with Carter, that the best way to make Serena and Nate jealous was to make out and leave together, in order to make everyone think that they had hooked up. Then things had gotten a little out of hand, and she remembered the way Carter's hands had been all over her. She shivered, wish something that was either guilt or delight. Nate either didn't know how to do those kinds of things to her body or just didn't want to. She was starting to think that maybe Carter was better than Nate in some ways.

She placed a smooth, pale hand on his muscular back to make sure he was still there, real and alive. He shifted a bit, and then his intense blue eyes fluttered open. "Good morning," she said, smiling seductively.

"It is a good one," he said, winking at her. This redhead was good in bed, and she seemed like a cool girl, too. He certainly wouldn't mind spending some more time with a chick like her.

"We have a wedding to go to," she said, as though the word _wedding_ was disgusting.

He ran his hands up her legs, making her moan slightly. Flipping over on top of her naked body, he replied, "What wedding?"

She giggled and spread her long, shapely legs around his broad shoulders. She could always talk to Nate tomorrow. Or the next day.

Serena woke up in a very different manner. She had been dreaming soft dreams filled with warm pastel colors and sweet whispers. But she bolted up, and realized almost immediately where she was. The Archibald townhouse. The place where she had spent so much of her childhood, where she had woken up after countless sleepovers with Nate and Blair. Nate. Serena looked over, and sure enough, he was still there. He was sleeping peacefully, the covers wrapped around his muscular body. She realized then that she was wearing nothing as well, and suddenly felt very naked as she remembered the previous night. It had been everything she had imagined, awkward and real and beautiful. It was like they were young again, young and insanely in love. But everything seemed different as gray morning light streamed in. Serena scrambled out of bed, amazed that she had let that happen. She couldn't believe she had been so stupid as to betray Carter. She couldn't believe Nate had betrayed Audrey. She couldn't believe that they had acted like they were teenagers again, with nothing to lose and nobody to hurt.

Nate woke up as Serena was grabbing around the room, searching for her clothes. "Are you looking for this?" he asked, as he pulled a black, lacey thong out from under the covers. She yanked it away from him.

"We have a wedding to get to," was all Serena said.

Nate sat up. "Serena-"

"Last night never happened, Nate. You and I are as we always have been." Serena painfully forced the words out of her mouth. But the truth was, last night had happened. And honestly, to say that they were what they had always been was to say that they were madly in love and meant to be together, but that didn't really matter to Serena.

"Oh," whispered Nate, injured. He didn't know what to make of any of this. All he could think of was how Serena looked pretty, even on a morning like this. "If you need a bridesmaid dress, there's one in the closet. Audrey was supposed to wear it, but I doubt she'll be coming to the wedding now." He felt a little guilty, having left her like that, but it was for the best. And anyway, it wasn't as if Blair had really wanted her to be a bridesmaid.

"I'm maid of honor," Serena said shortly. But it wasn't like she had time to go home. She paused, considering. Her dress was only slightly different, with a white rose instead of a pink one. It wasn't like anyone would notice. "But I guess it'll have to do."

Nate pulled himself out of bed and had the decency to wrap a towel that had been strewn on the floor around him legs. His movements were slow and lumbering as he walked toward the closet. Serena couldn't help but stare at his perfect body. She almost wanted to rip the towel off of him and run her hands all over his body again. She resisted however, and waited for him to pull the pale pink dress out of the closet. He also took his tuxedo off the hanger. "I'll go change in the bathroom," he offered generously. He really was a gentleman.

Serena waited for him to leave the room before she sank down onto the bed and pulled on the dress. It was a pretty dress, as Blair would have wanted it to be perfect. It was silk, and there was a small pink rose in the front. It was shorter than was fashionable, but it looked hot. As she yanked the dress up, she realized that she was going to need shoes. She would just have to borrow a pair of Audrey's, it seemed. She grabbed an off-white pair that was sitting near the closet and pulled them onto her feet. They fit perfectly. She was borrowing a lot of things belonging to Audrey these days. Serena fiddled with the zipper on her dress and found that it was stuck on a piece of fabric. She nearly screamed in frustration. This was so crazy.

Nate stepped out of the bathroom, looking hot despite everything. "Need help with that?"

Serena didn't want to admit it, but she really did. She didn't say anything, and Nate understood. He paced over to her and managed to pull the zipper up in one smooth movement. That was they way it was with him. It made her want to die sometimes.

"We should get going," Nate said.

"Yeah, let me get my phone," a perplexed Serena agreed. She pulled her LG Chocolate out from under the covers, and picked up the pile of her discarded clothes that she had made. As she opened her phone, however, she saw that she had six missed calls from Blair. Damn.

Serena and Nate stepped outside and instantly she knew why Blair had been calling her. Big fat droplets of water were falling from the sky, and puddles had already begun to gather on the ground. It was raining on Blair Waldorf's wedding day. That was not supposed to happen.

Back at the Waldorf penthouse, Blair was yelling at a frazzled wedding planner.

"I'm sorry, Miss, but God controls the weather," the planner replied.

"THEN TALK TO GOD!" Blair shouted. "GET OUT OF HERE AND DO SOMETHING FOR A CHANGE!"

The poor woman rushed out of the room. Blair collapsed on the floor. This wasn't part of the plan. She hadn't even considered the possibility of rain on her perfect wedding day. Things like this just didn't happen to her. There was a timid knock on her door at that moment.

"What??" Blair asked, exasperatedly.

"It's me, Dan. Can I come in?"

He hadn't meant to come, as they weren't supposed to see each other on the day of the wedding, but he was worried about her.

"Whatever. It's not like it matters anymore," Blair sighed. She began to sob, softly at first but then at a louder volume. "It's ruined, Dan. Our wedding is ruined."

He walked over to her and took her into his arms. "Nothing's ruined, Blair. I'm still in love with you, and the sun will come out tomorrow." That sounded totally cheesy, but it was true.

"But- But our w-wedding…" Blair hiccupped.

"I never wanted that anyway. Why do we need to have a big white wedding with everyone dressed all formally in order to prove our love? Let's elope. Let's run away to Connecticut or California or God-knows-where and just get married. We love each other, Blair, and that's all that's perfect in this world." Dan looked down at her, his eyes so earnest and passionate that Blair forgot everything else.

"Where should we go?" she asked, a bit timidly, but with affection and trust in her voice.

"Wherever you want," Dan replied.

Serena was running down Madison Avenue with Nate in her tow when she got a text from Blair. **the wedding's off. we're eloping to france and getting married at daddy's estate. mom will tell guests. love to all, see you soon.**

Serena smiled a soft, sweet smile, not really believing it but believing just the same. It also meant that she wouldn't have to spend the day with Nate and that she could just go home to her and Carter's New York apartment right then and there. She stopped. "The wedding's off, Nate. They're eloping to France. I'm leaving, though. I'll uh…send you the dress."

He was standing a few feet away, looking at her. "You don't have to go."

Her breath caught in her throat, just as it always did when he looked at her in that pleading, desperate manner. "Yes I do. Goodbye, Nate." Before she knew it, she was running away, as she always had and always would when Nate was involved. But of course, being Nate, he was chasing her down the slick wet sidewalks of New York, him in his tuxedo and her in her pale pink bridesmaid dress. Or rather, Nate's fiancé's bridesmaid dress.

"Serena, I'm in love with you," shouted Nate, keeping pace with her as she ran away from him, her stilettos clacking against the slippery pavement. Rain sloshed down on them, and they were both soaked through and shivering. He clutched her hand, drawing her forcibly toward him. "I tried to fight it, but all my life it's been you."

"No, Nate, no! You have Audrey now, and I have Carter! Stop lying to yourself. What happened last night was nostalgic and sweet, but it isn't how life is supposed to be lived. Maybe when we were teenagers, we could have made this work, but it's too late. There's nothing between us anymore, nothing worth saving. Just leave me alone and move on. We aren't 17 anymore!" Serena yelled, pulling away from him.

Nate called her name, the pain he felt causing his deep voice to crack. Serena looked at him and felt his eyes lock with hers, and she quivered softly. What was wrong with him, anyway? What was wrong with her? This wasn't how it was meant to be at all. Desperately, she waved her hand for a taxi, even though she had nowhere to go. One screeched to a stop beside her and she jumped in, telling the driver to go anywhere, _fast_. He obeyed, and the cab was lurching through New York City traffic as quickly as was physically possible. "Gotta have an address, Miss," the cabbie croaked. "Won't know where to drive otherwise."

Serena was panting from loss of breath. "Um, 1801 Madison Avenue." It was where Carter was. Her fiancé, the one who could comfort her and help her and make her forget last night and all the other nights and days before that she had spent dreaming of Nate.

Serena leaned back into the plush seat, her mind reeling with what had occurred. Why did Nate always have to be like that, throwing her off her feet when she had just gotten her balance? Every time Nate entered her life, everything spun out of her control and her world turned upside down. Was that love? She didn't think so, but she had never really been in love before. She wasn't in love with Carter, that was for sure. They both knew it, really, but he was happy to pretend and it had been the convenient thing for her until now. She had thought that what she felt for Dan when she was a teenager was love, but she knew now that it was only the sense of security and peace that he had given her that made her think she was in love with him. So was love not knowing what would come next and not understanding the consequences? Was love sacrificing everything to be with one person? This was crazy. She couldn't do this anymore. She had to leave town, get away from this crazy city and never come back. "Actually, could you take me to JFK Airport?" she asked the cab driver.

"All right. Fare's 50 flat though."

"Okay," she murmured.

She didn't know where she was going, and she barely even knew why. She turned to look one last time out the window at her beloved city. She had been in Paris lately, but this was still her home. So many memories were bubbling up inside of her, just like the last time she had left it- what was outside of the cab? She craned her neck and was shocked to see Nate, running alongside the taxi at a steady pace. His face was flushed and his hair was plastered to his face by the rain and his own sweat. Astonished, Serena yelled, "Stop the cab!" The cabbie obeyed, and the vehicle screeched to a halt. She threw him a fifty-dollar bill and slowly opened the door, not wanting to know what was waiting for her on the other side.

Rain fell profusely in huge drops that exploded when they hit the ground, and Serena inexplicably felt as though this was a storm that would never stop, and rain would be falling for the rest of her life. Nate had stopped running and stood silently, facing her. There was a look in his eyes of strangled emotion, of drowning pain and trampled dreams. Serena looked at him and saw the boy she had grown up with, playful and friendly, but she also saw in him the man whom she had fallen for and run away from so many times. "Why?" she murmured softly, her voice full of pent-up emotion.

"Is that even a question?" asked Nate, his voice full of all the emotions that his eyes held. "It's always been you and me, Serena. Since we were little kids. Remember how we used to feed the ducks in Central Park? And how I kissed you that time in seventh grade? Remember the Shepard Wedding? If you hadn't felt something that night, you wouldn't have bothered to run. You never ran from any of your "mistakes" before and you've never run from any after. And I know you still feel something because you still run away from my love and I still have to chase you. But even if I never catch you, Serena, even if you leave and never come back, you'll still be stuck with me because there's no one else for you. And there never will be." He looked at her, his eyes burning with all the passion he had just expressed.

Serena felt a lump rising in her throat. She had been fighting this for so long, struggling with this incredible feeling that was rising in her chest. She looked away, at the cars that were whirring by on the city streets. The falling rain blurred everything in her vision, but perhaps it was teardrops, beginning to fill her huge navy eyes.

"You can't fight it, Serena. It's one battle you're going to lose," Nate said, almost gently.

She looked up into his eyes and she knew he was right. She took a halting step toward him and felt herself drawn into his arms, as though a magnetic force was pulling her. The gap between them was gone, and for several seconds they stared at each other, as though they were unsure what to do. Then slowly, blindly, they stumbled toward each other, and their lips met in a gentle, soft kiss. Tears began to stream down Serena's face, but for once they were not tears of bitter sadness for what she had lost. They were tears of sweet joy for what she had just found.

**Author's Note: Ok, so this is basically the end (I might write an epilogue if I feel like it) and overall I'm pretty satisfied. It wasn't exactly the way I expected everything to turn out, but I think it was all right in the end. I've actually decided that I'm going to write a story about the summer that Serena and Blair spent with Nate on his boat, so stay tuned for next time. Thanks to all my readers and reviewers. XOXO!**


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